Shine on bright star

I can barely bring myself to type this blog post. This has been a terribly hard weekend for me. But it has been impossibly hard for others.

Thursday night I got home from final dress rehearsal for the Christmas show Emma and I are in at the Albright Theater and Sarah practically met me at the door to tell me to go onto my Facebook account immediately. While we were gone she had gone on my computer to do some homework and she read on my Facebook page a bunch of entries from my online friends that something had happened to a friend of ours. I logged on to find to my horror that our friend Traci had been killed that day. It got more horrific from there. (Story is here.) A typical commute home from work ended in tragedy and lives are forever changed.

Friday was filled with friends coming together, trying to find others that had not been in touch for a while and generally sharing in our shock, grief and disbelief. We also gathered in our virtual world to share memories, laughs, and support in a way not understood by others who don't have this kind of community and don't get how a group of women from all over the country and world could ever be this close. Some of us have met in person but the majority of us only know each other through our keyboards and modems. That doesn't change the depth of our friendship and may even be the reason why we are so close. The anonymity of the internet gets blamed for crappy mean behaviour all the time but sometimes it also takes away the barriers people put up and enables us to be more open and honest with each other. This group of friends have shared the joys of new relationships, births, new jobs, new homes and the pain of divorce, accidents, lost jobs, deaths and other family tragedies.

Traci was a catalyst for our group staying together through some really bad times. She was always there for us even when things were pretty crappy for her. She shared her joys and pain with us and helped us understand our own difficulties better and get through them. She never hesitated to open herself up to us. She could find the joy in the simplest things and make us smile in spite of ourselves. Another friend described her as "a heart with legs". One time early on in our friendship on one of the early message boards where we all "met" for the first time a silly online personality test, "What's Your Rockstar Name" was circulated. She was given the moniker of "Shimmy Diamond" and it stuck. It personified her perfectly, she was a rare jewel that shimmered and shined her light on every one and everything around her.

The last time I saw Shimmy in person was at our last pool party of the summer. She and her fiance Jase drove down here from Grayslake after I put out a general invitation to everyone on my Facebook page. My friends and neighbors were immediately charmed by her. A few of them couldn't believe that we had met online and had only gotten together face to face once before. We knew so much about each other and it was like she must have lived next door to me for years. She spent a great deal of time loving on the dogs, especially Heidi. When Emma mentioned that she had a snake Traci insisted that she bring Bindi downstairs so she could see her. She cuddled and admired that snake for almost an hour! There was no limit to her love and wasn't shy in sharing it.

She and Jase had been together about 3 years. Over that time they had had their troubles but had finally worked through them and she was so happy and in love. They were planning to get married in January. Jase has three young children from his first marriage that Traci took into her heart like they were her own. She was loving having little kids to share the joy and fun of Christmas with again. Her son is 18 and just graduated from high school last spring. He has been her life and bedrock through it all. I can't even imagine the lose he is suffering right now. I do know that he was the light of her life and she did a fabulous job of raising an amazing young man and that love and foundation will serve him as he grows into a man in spite of this tragedy.

If Traci's life could be summed up in one simple motto it would be, "Don't postpone Joy!"

Right now I'm having a hard time finding any joy in my world but I'm looking for it. Today I found joy in seeing Heidi go out into the snow and roll around on her back like a puppy again. I found joy in driving my girls to school even though they missed the bus and it took time out of my day, it gave us a few extra minutes together and time for me to say I love you before they left for their day. I found joy in asking my online friends for some extra love this morning because I was finally allowing myself to experience my grief after holding it all in for the weekend and they returned it in spades. I am looking forward to the joy of not having anywhere to go tonight and being able to spend it at home with my girls just hanging out.

What brings you joy?

Givin' a dog a bone

I have a new project. This one doesn't involve fabric, yarn or paper. This time it is all about Heidi (Maizey gets the benefits too but it isn't all about her.) I guess you could call it a "pet project" (groan).

Since Shadow died in May Heidi has been visibly aging and losing control over her hind quarters. I noticed she wasn't getting up and about as often or as energetically as she used to and she was dragging the toes on her back left foot. Then one day she was dragging the toes on both feet and was quite unsteady on her feet. Then she fell. She just lost footing in her rear end and her feet slid out from under her. Other things were changing too. Her once gleaming white teeth were now yellowing and collecting tartar and her gums were inflamed. Her once thick shiny coat was getting duller and and didn't have its usual thick texture.

I took her to the vet. They examined her and said she had lost quite a bit of muscle mass in her hind quarters and when her back foot was placed toed-under she wouldn't correct like a normal dog would. This indicated she probably has some neurological degeneration in her spine. They offered to refer her to a neurologist at U of I for a MRI and other testing but said nothing would be conclusive and there was little that could be done if it was found to be Degenerative Myelopathy anyway. They did suggest we sedate her and have her teeth cleaned sometime in the near future. I took her home and started Googling and looking to the berner-l for answers. I joined the Berner-L when I decided that a Bernese mountain dog was the next dog for me. The people there have years and countless dogs' worth of knowledge.

At this time I was also pointed toward a help wanted ad in a local newspaper for a job for someone with retail experience and who loves dogs. I sent my resume immediately! It was for a place that offers hydrotherapy for dogs and also has a boutique that specializes in holistic care items and whole, natural, mostly raw dog foods. I interviewed and met the owner. A light bulb went on in my my head, this is exactly what Heidi needs. I intensified my research, went to Amazon and the local library and loaded up on everything I could find on raw and home cooked diets for dogs, holistic health care, massage therapy, you name I've been reading about it. I didn't end up getting the job because the owner decided they just weren't busy enough yet to be able to afford another full-time employee. I will still take Heidi there for therapy as soon as I get clearance from my vet.

I decided instead of spending time and money taking her down to U of I for an inconclusive diagnosis and causing her the unnecessary stress of a bunch of medical procedures and tests that I would work with her here at home, keep her regularly monitored by our vet, and see how it went. I've been switching both her and Maizey over to a mostly raw diet. I'm hoping this will help clean up her teeth and gums naturally because I know right now she isn't strong enough to withstand the stress of being sedated for a clinical teeth scaling.

Her hair and skin have already begun to show signs of improvement after only a week on the new diet. A month ago she developed a nasty hot spot on her right hip and I noticed a pervasive odor about her in general. The first weekend of our new regimen I spent two days methodically working my way over her entire body grooming and checking out every inch of her. What I discovered was a great deal of nasty dandruff and areas where her hair fell out in clumps. I also think that the last time I had her professionally groomed they not only didn't get all of her dead undercoat out but also didn't rinse her to the skin and that is why she had so much dandruff and why she smelled so bad. After two weeks of my diligent brushing, combing and raking and a week of the new diet, the dandruff is almost gone and some of the bald spots are showing signs of new hair growth. She is also smelling better!

I've also started giving her massages. One morning I woke up and decided that I would give it a try. At the end of our session I laid down on the floor next to her and she just sighed and rolled back into me for a whole body snuggle. Later that morning after her breakfast she and Maizey were out in the yard and for the first time in months I saw her run! She was practically bouncing. For weeks prior to this it was all she could do to get up from her spot in the house and go outside twice a day for potty breaks.

This hasn't been all miracles and rainbows. At first she had some disagreeable bowels. (One thing I've discovered about people who spend a lot of time working with dogs and especially those who feed raw/home-cooked diets, they do seem to be a tad bit obsessed about their dogs bowel movements. I'll try to refrain from that here.) But now that she has completely transitioned and gets zero kibble that has passed. She still has a really hard time in the mornings getting up from her sleeping position. If she is near a wall she will use it to support her rump until she gets her feet under her completely. Most often she just lurches around like a drunk sorority girl during rush week. Once she is up and moving she's fine unless she is on a particularly slippery surface. (I will be investing in a bunch of carpet runners and area rugs with rubber slip mats very soon.)

I know there is nothing I can do to avoid the inevitable. She will be 10 years old in March, that is ancient for a dog her size and breed. Right now I'm taking it day by day and week by week. My goal now is Christmas. Then if things keep holding steady I may dare to dream of March and our birthdays. Otherwise I'm giving her all I can for as long as I can. I didn't get that with Shadow. By the time we realized something was seriously wrong, it was too late. I barely had a week to prepare to say good-bye. If nothing else she and I will have had time to share together doing something special. She will know she was loved and well cared for and I will know I did all I could and gave her the best I had to give.




** As a side note Maizey is thriving on the new program. She loves the new food and I can already see an improvement in the condition of her coat already. She gets little massages when she snuggles in bed with me at night and practically groans with pleasure to the point that it is almost a little obscene. I've also noticed that she chews up shoes and other forbidden things around the house less now that she gets bones to chew on in the backyard.

***If you are considering switching your pets to a raw or home-cooked diet PLEASE do you research! There is an overabundance of information out there and some of it is contradictory. I tried cooking for my first lab 16 years ago but gave it up because I was afraid that I didn't know what I was doing and I could only find one diet and it was time consuming and confusing. I tried feeding a mixed diet 10 years ago when I got Heidi but gave it up for simplicity and because I was confused again by all the options and opinions. Education is key as is just knowing your dog and what works for them.

This little piggie stayed home

I don't know if you all know this or not but I grew up on a farm. And that farm at one time when I was just a wee idgit was a pig farm. I also don't know if you know that baby pigs are really really cute. But then they grow up and grow hair in weird spots, their teeth get all big and yellow and they get ugly and kind of scary. (Kind of like some old ladies I know.) I have a few fond memories of life on a swine farm even though I was still in elementary school when my dad realized pork bellies weren't the future and sold the pigs and became a small implement and tractor dealer right before the bottom fell out for the American farmer in the mid-80s. (The lack of great business sense is slightly genetic along with a terrible sense of timing.)

I remember my sisters and I taking the newborn piglets out of the farrowing house and playing with them on the lawn. I also remember taking buckets of kitchen scraps out to the pig lot behind the house and standing on the middle rail of the fence and hollering (because one can only HOLLER at a pig, calling and yelling don't cut it on the farm.) "Heeeeeerrrrrre PigpigpigpiiiiiiIIIIIIIIGGGG!" and all the sows and boars would come running for their daily treat of potato peels and egg shells. And who can forget the scene in Wizard of Oz where Dorothy almost falls into the pig pens and is rescued by the farm hands who later appear as her friends the scarecrow and the lion and my Dad telling us how dangerous hungry pigs can be. They will eat you if giving the chance! (This was later confirmed by an episode of CSI so I know it is true.)

This past week I was almost eaten alive by a pig. This little piggy was called H1N1 and it is a nasty shit. Sarah came home on the Wednesday before Halloween not feeling well. By bedtime she had a fever nearing 102 degrees with body aches and chills. I nursed her through Thursday and Friday. Saturday morning she thought she was pretty much over it (She got the one series of Tamiflu we were able to score from the 24 hour clinic. Sacrifices I make for my children.) I of course had been denying the aches, sore throat and slight chills I'd been experiencing since late Friday. By Saturday afternoon there was no ignoring the 102 degrees I was now sporting as a fine Halloween costume fashionably accessorized with the feeling of a troop of elephants sitting on my chest. Sometime Sunday I fell asleep in a fevered fog and awoke with memories of a weird dream where I was hanging out with John Mellencamp and then discovered that he wore a hairpiece and looked just like James Carville when he removed it. Stephen King was also hanging out with us but I don't remember his contribution to the dream. Dreaming of James Carville is scary enough!

I know I've mentioned before how much I love Halloween. Seriously I'd rather be sick and miss Christmas than miss out on Halloween (sorry Mom.) This year we were actually even invited to a real, genuine party with grown ups and costume contests and everything. (It was with theater people so it was a double whammy of theater and gay Halloween, win-win for sure!) I had to call (actually I texted because I couldn't talk at that point) the host and rescind our RSVP. Steve and I had a couple costume that was sure to win an award too. (Miley and Billy Ray complete with mullet, soul-patch and stripper pole.) Instead he sat outside by a fire pit and handed out candy to our ONE! family of trick-or-treaters and Sarah and I sat inside and died on the couch without even enough holiday spirit to watch stupid live Ghost Hunter shows. It was a sad night indeed.

It is now a full 10 days since my first symptoms and I can almost call myself human again. I'm still scaring small children (and adults and dogs) with my horrendous cough. Honestly the cough is worse than the bite. It alternates between that damn tickly cough that there just is no known remedy for known to humnakind. I seriously resulted to taking a Vicodin and going to bed in an unconscious stupor one night last week because I just couldn't take the farking tickle anymore. The other cough variety is the tight, dry, feels-like-wadded-up-newprint-in-my-chest cough. No matter how hard you cough and what weird contortions you put your body into, nothing comes up and there is no relief to the feeling of suffocation. I'm taking the Anti-Green-Phlegm-People drugs now by the bucket full and hoping that will evict it once and for all.

When I'm not trying to remove my larynx the hard way I'm feeling pretty good. Saturday we had gorgeous weather and I finally got the windows on the first floor washed and the storms installed properly for the winter. I also ushered at the theater Saturday night. (Note: ushering when you have a awful cough caused by an uncontrollable tickle in a county where people are FREAKING OUT! over the Swine Flu? Not a good idea.) There was also a party for two of my theater friends' birthdays that almost made up for missing Halloween. I've also started working with a new trainer at the gym. I'm committing to two days with her a week. I'm going to really kick ass when I can actually breath again!

But the first thing I'm going to do when I get my full voice and breath back is to go out back and holler, HERE PIG-PIG-PiiiiiiIIIIIIIIggggggGGGGG! as loud as I can and when it comes waddling up expecting potato peels and eggshells I'll kick it in the head and laugh while it goes Wee Wee Wee all the way back to the CDC.

(Maybe my fever-induced hallucinations aren't quite over after all...)

WIP: Yarny Stuff

Where oh where have I been lately? Here there, a little bit of everywhere. I've been in one of my modes where I have a lot that could be made into blog posts but very little motivation to actually sit down and do it. I get kind of OCD about blogging at times and if I can't do it the way I want it done exactly, I just don't do it.

I have been knitting and crocheting a lot lately. Mostly in the evenings in front of the tv. I have about for different projects going right now. I just pick up whatever strikes my fancy and do a little on it at a time. Unfortunately never enough to actually finish anything though.

Last month when the new Knitty came out I was trying to find the perfect project for the new Cascade Greenland yarn that my LYS had just gotten in. I fell in love with this yarn and its rich deep colors. Cascade 220 has been my go-to yarn for a while and this one had all that and more. When I saw the Girl Friday pattern I knew I'd made a match. I bought the yarn and had the back done in less than a week. The fronts didn't take much longer. But I'm stuck on the sleeves. I have crazy long monkey arms and I planned to add a bit of length to the already long sleeves but I misread the pattern and knit them even longer than intended. I was thinking I'd have to frog a pattern repeat before moving on. But last week I did a little remeasuring and decided they would be okay as-is. But I still haven't picked it back up and finished off the sleeves. I could've been done and wearing this by now but I've lost my momentum.

(I apologize for the crapitude of these pictures. It was still dark when I took them but I was motivated so I went ahead anyway.)

The other big project I've been working steadily on makes me so happy.

It is the ugly as sin crocheted granny square afghan Emma and I have been doing together. I don't know what it is about this that just makes me smile whenever I see it. It may be the mismatched bright colors, the fact that we are doing this together or the over all tackiness of the entire thing I don't know. But it makes me practical cackle in glee. I just grab random balls of yarn, whip up a square and block it whenever the moods strikes. When I have 6 finished squares I crochet them together and add them to the blanket. The plan is to have it be 6 squares by 8 squares when it is finished (each square is blocked to 8 inches) but it may continue to grow beyond that if the mood continues to strike me. I'm glad I'm assembling as I go because otherwise I'd end up with a bag of finished squares and never get around to putting it together and my grandchildren would inherit them someday and just chuck them in a Goodwill bag I'm sure. Also there is no rhyme or reason to the square placement, I just add the last one finished, so the finished project will be about as random as possible. Another reason it makes me happy.

I am playing the part of Mrs. Armstrong in the "Best Christmas Pageant Ever" in December and this afghan may make its stage debut as part of my costume. Mrs. Armstrong is layed up with a broken leg and I think her character would have one of these afghans across her lap while recuperating.

The next to last project I'm working on is another basic crocheted blanket.

Once I learned the basics of the granny square I decided to try just making one big square that kept getting bigger and bigger as a baby blanket. This is some left over Caron Simple Soft I had in the stash from a cardigan I made Emma years ago. I love the bright colors and the soft washable (cheap!) yarn. I don't know this things final destination. My niece is having another baby in the spring and if it is another girl I may give her this. If not I may just donate it to our church's Prayer Shawl ministry. They give new blankets to all the new babies born/baptized in our church.

The last project I started recently is a Noah's Ark and animals from an Alan Dart pattern insert I've had lying around for some time. They are intended for my grand-niece at Christmas. We'll see how far I get. I have the parts for one elephant done so far. No pictures because it is just a bunch of little grey shapes in a pile.

So there you have it. That's what I've been doing recently. There is more going on in my life and now that I've made a start on catching up with blog posts you may hear more about the other stuff sooner rather than later.

Featured Customer: Quiltville

I'm home from our anniversary trip to Miami and Key West and I have a post with pictures almost ready but in the mean time I thought I'd tell you about one of my regular etsy customers.

From her etsy profile in her own words: Quiltville

My name is Carly, I do business as Quiltville. I live in the Beautiful state of Wisconsin.

MY MISSION STATEMENT:
I will not sell anything I would not be proud to own myself.

I have been sewing since I was a young girl and have always enjoyed Quilting. I designed my first drawstring bag when I was in high School, back in the day of Bell Bottoms and Rock n Roll. With 5 grown children I now work full time from my home sewing, quilting, designing and selling my creations. My creative side never rests; as I am working on one project I am designing the next two.

Most of my Quilts are original designs; however, I also use traditional Quilt patterns. I only use Quilt Shop quality fabrics to ensure a superb product.
I offer a variety of Quilts; Baby quilts in everything from Colorful Brights to Soft Pastels; Lap size, Throws and Wall Quilts from Scrappy patchwork, Modern Retro to Traditional Log Cabins. I also have recently added Twin and Full size Quilts, thanks to my new Pfaff Grand Quilter. I do not have a Quilt Frame yet, so I do not offer Queen and King Quilts.

After numerous requests I have started offering my patterns for sale. I am starting with Quilt patterns and possibly my bag patterns will be available in the future.

Please take a moment to look thru my shop, perhaps you will find a Quiltville Treasure just for you!

Thanks for your Interest.

I still like Bell Bottoms and Rock n Roll!
Carly

She really does some beautiful work! If you are looking for that perfect heirloom baby or wedding gift she is the person to see.
Now go, buy lots of stuff from her so she needs to buy more fabric from me to make more!

New Fabric!

Some new goodies were delivered this week. (See the link in the right-hand column for my etsy shop)

First off I picked out a few of my favorites from Lila Tueller's newest line, Santorini.


(Note that the olive print with the creamy yellow background is backordered)
I lovelovelove these prints! The colors match my kitchen and living room and I'm dying to get my sewing machines out finally to make some pillows out of these.

Next up is the newest from Tula Pink, Hushabye.

(Note there are two other small scale prints available in all the colors, they are listed in my etsy shop.)

This is such a fresh line for babies. My niece is expecting her second baby next spring and I'm excited to make something special for him or her out of fabrics from this line. I just love all the little hidden animals and surprises to be found in the details.

Tressie's Quilt - wedding gift

This is probably my favorite of all quilts in my collection. It was a wedding gift to Steve and I 20 years ago from his childhood baby sitter, Tressie Garner. Tressie was a widow with no children of her own when she started watching Steve and his brother Paul back in the late 60s when they moved from Saginaw to the farm in Mayville. By the time we were married in 1989 she was in her 90s but still mentally quick and as spirited as ever. We aren't sure about the real story behind this quilt. I don't know if it is something she made or something she bought along the way. We are pretty sure it wasn't purchased specifically for us and is definitely an antique made with real vintage fabrics. It was most assuredly hand pieced and hand quilted. The details and precision are amazing. I believe the pattern is called Around the World and each piece is only 2 inches square.

The sawtooth binding edge is meticulous.

I used to use this as a quilt on our bed and also on the guest room bed. I also used it as a wall quilt above our bed briefly at our vacation house. Now I try to keep it in storage so the delicate fabrics and colors don't fade and wear and more. But it is too pretty to keep hidden away so I pull it out every winter to bring some much needed color and freshness to our long bleak winters here in the midwest. It is the one thing in my house that none of the animals are EVER allowed on! (But I do have a picture in my wedding album of our old cat Penelope resting on it and my wedding dress at my Mom's while we were on our honeymoon.)

Sarah's Quilt - 1995

Since I haven't been doing much sewing or other fresh crafting lately I decided to take this opportunity to share some of my oldies but goodies. I was going to call it, "Flashback Friday" or "Time Warp Tuesday" or "Way Back Wednesday." But it is Monday and I couldn't come up with any clever alliteration for today so I'm just calling it what it is.

When Sarah was ready to move out of the fantasy that she actually ever slept in her crib and give a big girl bed a try I made her this quilt. I guess I thought if I made her something really special and made a big deal out of it she'd actually SLEEP IN HER OWN BED! (ha!) I just loved all of these vintage 30's style fabrics and had collected a few of them. When it was time to make the quilt I added more in the purples and teals to go with the color scheme I was working with at the time.

I pieced the squares in a fairly random pattern trying to avoid any weird color blocks or repeated patterns. The batting is an organic cotton (hard to find way back then but well worth it). I then spent months hand-quilting the thing. The first and last time I hand quilted anything. Not my thing. At the time I was still sewing everything on my old Singer and it just didn't have the cajones to handle a large quilt.



I don't specifically recall if the quilt worked magic and kept Sarah in bed all night. (It must have worked a little because Emma came along about a year later.) When we moved to this house I used it as a color palette for their shared room with a Noah's Ark theme. Now it just lives in a big wicker chest in the guest room with other quilts (that I will share soon) and gets pulled out for sleep overs.

It has a few marker stains from the nights when Sarah would stay up to all hours drawing and doodling. When it first happened I was upset that she had "ruined" it. But as time has gone on I now cherish those stains as much as the quilt itself. They bring back a memory of a special time and activity she really loved.

_________________________________________________________

So readers, do you have a special handmade item from your childhood? Did you make your child (or grandchild, niece, nephew, godchild, etc.) something special that brings back memories of their childhood?

9-11

9/11. A date that has so much significance for so many of us. Mine goes back 3 years before the day our lives as Americans changed forever. 9/11/98 - the day I miscarried my third and last child. I haven’t kept this date in my head for the last 11 years. It was just coincidence that I remembered its significance this week. I have this old Daytimer/Planner/Address book that I used to use religiously to keep my family’s life organized. I was going to toss it out a while back but decided to just throw it in a drawer instead. I came across it the other day and flipped through it. I used to write little notes and things on the calendar pages to help me remember things. It was interesting to read notes on Emma’s tear duct surgeries she had as an infant and Sarah’s children’s choir practices and play dates and duties I had at our former church. When I flipped to September I noticed that the days and dates coincided with this year.

The note on 9/11 took me back. On Friday thru Sunday it read, “cabin”. Steve had reserved a cabin at White Pines State Park for the weekend. He was out of town (Texas I think) until Friday morning and then we were leaving for the cabin. I was supposed to have everything ready and packed so we could leave and get there by late afternoon/dinner time. Thursday’s square reminded me that I had to drop off baked goods at the church rummage/bake sale. I was planning to make a peach pie from scratch.

This pregnancy had been a complete surprise. Not an unwelcome one, just a shock. Emma had just turned one in July and I was still nursing her. Infertility had become such a part of our life that we never even considered using birth control after either of the girls were born because we knew that if we didn’t just take what we were given whenever it happened we may never have any kids. Sarah and Emma were 3 ½ years apart and it had taken us almost 3 years to get pregnant for Sarah in the first place.

I was just coming to grips with the idea of being pregnant again when I woke up that Tuesday morning with cramps and an uneasy feeling. Looking back I realize that this pregnancy never really felt right or real. Later that morning I noticed light bleeding and called my doctor. He told me to take it easy and see what happened. Steve was packing to leave for another business trip and asked if he should cancel it. I told him to go ahead, I’d be fine. By bedtime it was obvious it was not going to be fine. I was alone with a one year old and a five year old and I never felt so alone in my life. When he called that night he again asked if I wanted him to cancel his meetings and come home. I said I didn’t care and I’d manage. In truth I was in denial that what was inevitably happening was really happening. Also I didn’t want to have to say “yes I need you” I just wanted him to want to be here and make that decision without me having to say it.

So what did I do? In the morning I called my doctor again and they told me there was nothing to be done but wait it out, if I hadn’t stopped bleeding within 24 hours or it got “too heavy” I could call again to schedule a d&c. So I laid on the couch, nursed Emma when I could, bribed Sarah with PBS shows and cried when she wasn’t looking. I didn’t really have anyone close that I felt comfortable calling to help me out so I toughed it out.

By Thursday morning I convinced myself that things were getting better. I made the pie for the church bake sale and made arrangements to drop the dog off at the sitters that evening. I was determined that this was not going to interfere with my commitments and the weekend Steve had planned for us. I baked, cleaned and packed and only stopped long enough to take care of the girls and occasionally rest and cry some more. My neighbor called to see if Sarah could play and I finally broke down and told her what was going on. She came over and took Sarah for a few hours and prayed over me. That evening I loaded the girls, the dog and the pie in the car and delivered the pie to the church and the dog to the sitters. Halfway through these errands I realized things were getting worse instead of better. I sat in a bathroom stall at the church and delivered what would have been my baby.

The next morning I realized things weren’t resolving themselves on their own and I would need a D&C. I called my neighbor take care of the girls for me and then called another friend, the same friend who watched Sarah for me when Emma was born, to drive me to the hospital. The procedure was routine and proceeded without incident. By that time I was exhausted and resigned to the situation. My friend got me home and settled on the couch and Steve pulled in the driveway, home from his business trip.

The girls came home from the neighbors and Sarah sat on the floor of the living room with her paper and crayons and drew me a picture to make me feel better. It was of a sweet little angel. She handed it to me and said, “Here Mommy, this angel is happy because she is in heaven now where everything is beautiful.” She had never been told there was going to be another baby and at that age would not have understood the concept of a miscarriage but somehow in that magic that is childhood she made that spiritual connection. If this baby had been a girl, her name was going to be Grace. Seems fitting doesn’t it?

We did go to the cabin that weekend and I continued to try to act like nothing had happened. I spent one afternoon in bed while Steve took Sarah hiking and fishing. I still got up in the night to change, nurse and soothe Emma back to sleep. I cried the entire time.

Time passed. I “got over it”. We never did use any form of birth control again. I never got pregnant again. Eventually I gave up the idea of anymore children. Eventually my endometriosis took its ultimate toll and I had a total hysterectomy. My doctor said that I was the most severe case he’s ever seen. I’m glad that part of my life is over, I don’t miss it. But I will never forget that weekend. And I will probably never be totally “over it.”


Post Script: I was also alone with the girls three years later when the terrorists attacked. Steve was stuck in Reno and ended up driving home in the last rental car available in Nevada. When people wonder at how I manage things around here when he is gone I just think about these two times and figure if I could survive them, I can handle just about anything.

Ahhhhh.

I have been working myself very hard this week. The weather has been more than perfect for working outdoors. Moderate temperatures and cool nights keep the sweat and the mosquitoes at bay. Last week I started working on this huge garden project. It started out that I was just going to get the weeds cleared out and maybe move a few things around. It evolved into a major overhaul of the entire front yard.

Today I got it almost completed.

From this.

To this.

This unimaginable mess.


Became this!


I also added some new plants.


I also unburied this bench from under a mountain of weeds and coneflowers and moved it to a better place. Planted at its base are Lady's Mantle.


One of the biggest parts of the job was dividing about eleventy-billion green and white hostas and moving them to the edges of the driveway. I still have a load and a half of the two-toned green (Frances Williams I believe) ones to divide and use to edge the front (street facing) side of the big bed. You can see them as the big clump in front of the red shrub in the after pictures.


There are some areas that still need work. (mainly weeding)



This gigantic clump of ornamental grass was just three tiny little bits that I transplanted from elsewhere in the yard about five years ago. It is hiding the well.

This has been a LOT of work but it has really been enjoyable. The first weekend I started weeding it out I thought I was going to die! Every muscle and tendon in my body hurt. My toenails hurt. I had rug burns on my forearms and thighs from where I pushed myself up after bending over. By Monday afternoon I was in the groove. I still hurt but not nearly as much. I even got up this morning and took Maizey to the dog park with my friends for a long hike before starting in on today's work. I'm re-energized. I feel strong again. This is the best I've felt physically and mentally since I closed the store. A month ago I was plagued with continuous back spasms. Sometimes just yawning would set one off. I was worried that this would trigger them again but instead it seemed to have healed me. I'm on a roll and I just want to keep going and going as long as the weather cooperates. I'm sure I'll burn out eventually, I always do. But in the mean time, watch out, I have a weed whacker and I know how to use it.

(I should also take photos of the GIGANTIC weed piles we now have back in our woods and on the compost pile. I think the final count was 5-6 full loads in the John Deere wagon which I think is 3.3 cubic feet. All pulled by hand. Mine.)

Last but not least I have one other garden feature to share. Emma and a friend were playing "CSI" or "Criminal Minds/Profiler" or something one day over the summer. This little guy was their "victim". He is still chained to the address post out at the end of the driveway next to the telephone switch box and yes, he's wearing little red plastic handcuffs. I think I now know why our neighbors all think we are a little bit off. (Note to self: maybe it is time to increase the funds in the children's future therapy account.)