Shine on bright star

I can barely bring myself to type this blog post. This has been a terribly hard weekend for me. But it has been impossibly hard for others.

Thursday night I got home from final dress rehearsal for the Christmas show Emma and I are in at the Albright Theater and Sarah practically met me at the door to tell me to go onto my Facebook account immediately. While we were gone she had gone on my computer to do some homework and she read on my Facebook page a bunch of entries from my online friends that something had happened to a friend of ours. I logged on to find to my horror that our friend Traci had been killed that day. It got more horrific from there. (Story is here.) A typical commute home from work ended in tragedy and lives are forever changed.

Friday was filled with friends coming together, trying to find others that had not been in touch for a while and generally sharing in our shock, grief and disbelief. We also gathered in our virtual world to share memories, laughs, and support in a way not understood by others who don't have this kind of community and don't get how a group of women from all over the country and world could ever be this close. Some of us have met in person but the majority of us only know each other through our keyboards and modems. That doesn't change the depth of our friendship and may even be the reason why we are so close. The anonymity of the internet gets blamed for crappy mean behaviour all the time but sometimes it also takes away the barriers people put up and enables us to be more open and honest with each other. This group of friends have shared the joys of new relationships, births, new jobs, new homes and the pain of divorce, accidents, lost jobs, deaths and other family tragedies.

Traci was a catalyst for our group staying together through some really bad times. She was always there for us even when things were pretty crappy for her. She shared her joys and pain with us and helped us understand our own difficulties better and get through them. She never hesitated to open herself up to us. She could find the joy in the simplest things and make us smile in spite of ourselves. Another friend described her as "a heart with legs". One time early on in our friendship on one of the early message boards where we all "met" for the first time a silly online personality test, "What's Your Rockstar Name" was circulated. She was given the moniker of "Shimmy Diamond" and it stuck. It personified her perfectly, she was a rare jewel that shimmered and shined her light on every one and everything around her.

The last time I saw Shimmy in person was at our last pool party of the summer. She and her fiance Jase drove down here from Grayslake after I put out a general invitation to everyone on my Facebook page. My friends and neighbors were immediately charmed by her. A few of them couldn't believe that we had met online and had only gotten together face to face once before. We knew so much about each other and it was like she must have lived next door to me for years. She spent a great deal of time loving on the dogs, especially Heidi. When Emma mentioned that she had a snake Traci insisted that she bring Bindi downstairs so she could see her. She cuddled and admired that snake for almost an hour! There was no limit to her love and wasn't shy in sharing it.

She and Jase had been together about 3 years. Over that time they had had their troubles but had finally worked through them and she was so happy and in love. They were planning to get married in January. Jase has three young children from his first marriage that Traci took into her heart like they were her own. She was loving having little kids to share the joy and fun of Christmas with again. Her son is 18 and just graduated from high school last spring. He has been her life and bedrock through it all. I can't even imagine the lose he is suffering right now. I do know that he was the light of her life and she did a fabulous job of raising an amazing young man and that love and foundation will serve him as he grows into a man in spite of this tragedy.

If Traci's life could be summed up in one simple motto it would be, "Don't postpone Joy!"

Right now I'm having a hard time finding any joy in my world but I'm looking for it. Today I found joy in seeing Heidi go out into the snow and roll around on her back like a puppy again. I found joy in driving my girls to school even though they missed the bus and it took time out of my day, it gave us a few extra minutes together and time for me to say I love you before they left for their day. I found joy in asking my online friends for some extra love this morning because I was finally allowing myself to experience my grief after holding it all in for the weekend and they returned it in spades. I am looking forward to the joy of not having anywhere to go tonight and being able to spend it at home with my girls just hanging out.

What brings you joy?

Givin' a dog a bone

I have a new project. This one doesn't involve fabric, yarn or paper. This time it is all about Heidi (Maizey gets the benefits too but it isn't all about her.) I guess you could call it a "pet project" (groan).

Since Shadow died in May Heidi has been visibly aging and losing control over her hind quarters. I noticed she wasn't getting up and about as often or as energetically as she used to and she was dragging the toes on her back left foot. Then one day she was dragging the toes on both feet and was quite unsteady on her feet. Then she fell. She just lost footing in her rear end and her feet slid out from under her. Other things were changing too. Her once gleaming white teeth were now yellowing and collecting tartar and her gums were inflamed. Her once thick shiny coat was getting duller and and didn't have its usual thick texture.

I took her to the vet. They examined her and said she had lost quite a bit of muscle mass in her hind quarters and when her back foot was placed toed-under she wouldn't correct like a normal dog would. This indicated she probably has some neurological degeneration in her spine. They offered to refer her to a neurologist at U of I for a MRI and other testing but said nothing would be conclusive and there was little that could be done if it was found to be Degenerative Myelopathy anyway. They did suggest we sedate her and have her teeth cleaned sometime in the near future. I took her home and started Googling and looking to the berner-l for answers. I joined the Berner-L when I decided that a Bernese mountain dog was the next dog for me. The people there have years and countless dogs' worth of knowledge.

At this time I was also pointed toward a help wanted ad in a local newspaper for a job for someone with retail experience and who loves dogs. I sent my resume immediately! It was for a place that offers hydrotherapy for dogs and also has a boutique that specializes in holistic care items and whole, natural, mostly raw dog foods. I interviewed and met the owner. A light bulb went on in my my head, this is exactly what Heidi needs. I intensified my research, went to Amazon and the local library and loaded up on everything I could find on raw and home cooked diets for dogs, holistic health care, massage therapy, you name I've been reading about it. I didn't end up getting the job because the owner decided they just weren't busy enough yet to be able to afford another full-time employee. I will still take Heidi there for therapy as soon as I get clearance from my vet.

I decided instead of spending time and money taking her down to U of I for an inconclusive diagnosis and causing her the unnecessary stress of a bunch of medical procedures and tests that I would work with her here at home, keep her regularly monitored by our vet, and see how it went. I've been switching both her and Maizey over to a mostly raw diet. I'm hoping this will help clean up her teeth and gums naturally because I know right now she isn't strong enough to withstand the stress of being sedated for a clinical teeth scaling.

Her hair and skin have already begun to show signs of improvement after only a week on the new diet. A month ago she developed a nasty hot spot on her right hip and I noticed a pervasive odor about her in general. The first weekend of our new regimen I spent two days methodically working my way over her entire body grooming and checking out every inch of her. What I discovered was a great deal of nasty dandruff and areas where her hair fell out in clumps. I also think that the last time I had her professionally groomed they not only didn't get all of her dead undercoat out but also didn't rinse her to the skin and that is why she had so much dandruff and why she smelled so bad. After two weeks of my diligent brushing, combing and raking and a week of the new diet, the dandruff is almost gone and some of the bald spots are showing signs of new hair growth. She is also smelling better!

I've also started giving her massages. One morning I woke up and decided that I would give it a try. At the end of our session I laid down on the floor next to her and she just sighed and rolled back into me for a whole body snuggle. Later that morning after her breakfast she and Maizey were out in the yard and for the first time in months I saw her run! She was practically bouncing. For weeks prior to this it was all she could do to get up from her spot in the house and go outside twice a day for potty breaks.

This hasn't been all miracles and rainbows. At first she had some disagreeable bowels. (One thing I've discovered about people who spend a lot of time working with dogs and especially those who feed raw/home-cooked diets, they do seem to be a tad bit obsessed about their dogs bowel movements. I'll try to refrain from that here.) But now that she has completely transitioned and gets zero kibble that has passed. She still has a really hard time in the mornings getting up from her sleeping position. If she is near a wall she will use it to support her rump until she gets her feet under her completely. Most often she just lurches around like a drunk sorority girl during rush week. Once she is up and moving she's fine unless she is on a particularly slippery surface. (I will be investing in a bunch of carpet runners and area rugs with rubber slip mats very soon.)

I know there is nothing I can do to avoid the inevitable. She will be 10 years old in March, that is ancient for a dog her size and breed. Right now I'm taking it day by day and week by week. My goal now is Christmas. Then if things keep holding steady I may dare to dream of March and our birthdays. Otherwise I'm giving her all I can for as long as I can. I didn't get that with Shadow. By the time we realized something was seriously wrong, it was too late. I barely had a week to prepare to say good-bye. If nothing else she and I will have had time to share together doing something special. She will know she was loved and well cared for and I will know I did all I could and gave her the best I had to give.




** As a side note Maizey is thriving on the new program. She loves the new food and I can already see an improvement in the condition of her coat already. She gets little massages when she snuggles in bed with me at night and practically groans with pleasure to the point that it is almost a little obscene. I've also noticed that she chews up shoes and other forbidden things around the house less now that she gets bones to chew on in the backyard.

***If you are considering switching your pets to a raw or home-cooked diet PLEASE do you research! There is an overabundance of information out there and some of it is contradictory. I tried cooking for my first lab 16 years ago but gave it up because I was afraid that I didn't know what I was doing and I could only find one diet and it was time consuming and confusing. I tried feeding a mixed diet 10 years ago when I got Heidi but gave it up for simplicity and because I was confused again by all the options and opinions. Education is key as is just knowing your dog and what works for them.