A week ago today the girls went back to school. They are both in high school now, a freshman and a senior. To say it has been bittersweet for me would be an understatement. They are both so bright, creative, smart and beautiful it makes my heart explode with rainbows, glitter and unicorns. They are also growing up and the end is in sight which makes my heart implode with Smiths songs, pond scum and larva.
I was never one of those mothers that wanted to keep her kids little forever. Quite frankly, when they were able to feed themselves, sleep through the night (and now day), poop in a toilet and yes, even drive, I was very happy. I’m nothing if not a little lazy. I’ve always seen my job as a mother as that of preparing them to be independent, doesn’t mean I have to like it when it inevitably happens. It is also inevitable that there will be regrets. Looking back and wishing I had done things differently. Worrying that at times we are too close and at other times wishing we were more connected. Goes with the territory I guess.
There is also something else that happens in a mother/daughter relationship that rarely gets talked about, the breaking apart. I’ve asked many of my friends who have already gone through it if it happened to them and some have said yes and others no. But I think it is pretty common. What happens is that your daughter, when faced with burgeoning independence, goes all crazy and hurtful toward you. It happens. It has happened to me a couple times over the past few months. It is similar to the “I hate you” tantrums that happen during early adolescence, but for me it is deeper and more painful. This isn’t a big explosion of angry words, no, typically it is only a well placed put down, dismissive look or biting retort that ends up with me hiding in the bathroom wiping away tears and her going on as if nothing ever happened. It signals that she is trying to find a way to breakaway and by hurting my feelings in some way it will be easier. Because she knows me in a way pretty much no one else does, she can cut to the quick much easier. But like the many summer thunderstorms we’ve had this year it passes as soon as it strikes, often leaving some kind of mess in its wake.
