Raking up a pieces of a broken heart

Surprisingly there are some things that I hesitate to write about here. I don’t like to talk about specific incidences between me and my family and friends. I don’t think it is fair to tell my side of a situation in a place that is potentially “public.” (Even though I think only about 4 people actually read this blog!) But it makes it hard for me to work through difficult situations that are bothering me if I can’t talk it out here in my safe place. Plus I know that my readers have probably been through similar situations and sharing them can make them easier.

I have been struggling with a relationship for some time now and feel like it is time for me to bring it to some resolution. Or I should say that it seems like has come to a resolution on its own and I’m just now realizing it and seeing it for what it is. I’ve been given very clear signals that I’m no longer important to a (formerly) very close friend. I’ve been put aside and I don’t completely know why and it hurts. I’ve told this friend that I miss her and am available when she has time for me again. At first the responses to my overtures were politely turned down with reasonable explanations as to  why she was too busy. But after almost two months of rejections the distance has grown wider and the excuses weaker. She has made time for others and when we have been in the same place at the same time I’ve been ignored. Worst of all, there seems to be no remorse and no expression of actually missing me. Now when I even think about reaching out again I tear up and my heart hurts.

I can’t continue to do this to myself and my heart. I’ve been working very hard at healing myself and strengthening myself to deal with the shame that situations like this put me in. I haven’t had a day in the last 8 weeks that I haven’t thought about this person and our relationship. I’m haunted by it. I have to find a way to let it go. I must find a way to take this off my mind and out of my heart. I need to put myself in a place where I’m open to her when and if she ever wants to be a part of my life again but not to sit here in tears waiting for it and hurt by every little slight I feel or imagine. I don’t want to take an attitude of “I don’t need you anyway, I’m over it and moving on.” That is not how I feel and not the kind of person and friend that I strive to be. This is going to be a lesson in vulnerability and strength. The two really do go hand in hand.

A big part of the work I’ve been doing recently is opening my heart and keeping it open to life and where it leads me. I’m living in the moment as best as I can. If that means that I acknowledge and honor the love and friendship that we once had and just accept that right now in this moment it isn’t there and continue to hold my love for her in my heart I guess that is all I can do. I will not allow my shame and hurt to replace the love I feel for her as a friend with resentment and negative thoughts. If I continue to do that then when if someday life brings us back around to each other again my heart will be free to let her in again. If it doesn’t then I can go forward knowing that I had a dear friend that for a period of my life was very important and special and I can look back fondly with no regrets.

Another friend shared the following with me recently. I don’t know the original source so if you’ve seen it somewhere before and know who it belongs to please leave me a message and I’ll credit the author.

LEAF PEOPLE come into your life and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can't depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold or a wind blows in your life they are gone.

BRANCH PEOPLE come into your life and they are like branches on a tree. They are stronger than leaves, but you have to be careful with them. They will stick around through most seasons, but if you go through a storm or two in your life it's possible that you could lose them. In most cases they can't handle too much weight.

ROOT PEOPLE in your life who are like the roots of a tree then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are not trying to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you and water you.

Just as a tree has many limbs and many leaves, there are few roots. Look at your own life. How many leaves, branches and roots do you have? What are you in other people's lives?

I spend a lot of time among trees. Trees need good, deep soil to grow strong and put down deep roots. My heart is like the soil that the friendship tree grows in. Trees need leaves. Leaves make a tree useful and beautiful. But a tree doesn’t have healthy full leaves if it doesn’t have strong healthy branches and roots. Cultivate the roots and the branches and leaves will inevitably grow strong and flourish. I’m going to continue to nourish my heart and make it into place where the tree of friendship can grow strong with deep roots and wide branches and leaves that I can admire for their beauty and with appreciation for their shade.

I’m not ready to get out the chainsaw and prune off any branches. I don’t think the branch (I thought it was a root but maybe I was wrong) in question is dead. Maybe it just needs some weight taken off it for a little bit.

Morning Walk: Campton Nature Trails

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are having some incredible weather here in Illinois this week. A friend on Facebook described it yesterday as being a day that looked like fall and felt like spring. We’ve had high temperatures in the mid to high 70s with a warm breeze.

Today I don’t work so I had time for a nice long walk. A morning like today couldn’t be missed. We are blessed in this area to have a great system of forest preserves and park districts, run by both our cities and our county. I am trying to visit as many of them on my morning walks as I can. Today I chose to head a little bit west to the Campton Nature Trails. What a beautiful place! There are mown horse trails that loop around the entire property and cross former farm fields and through old growth woodlands. There is a nice choice of longer and shorter trail loops which is nice when you don’t have as much time for a walk as I did this morning.  I took my time today and walked the entire perimeter trail and took about an hour and a half. I had the place almost entirely to myself. Near the end of my walk I did encounter a friendly gentleman and his standard poodle. But other than them the only other living things I saw were a large flock of blackbirds a quiet run-in with Bambi.

Can you see her? We stood like this for a few seconds. She didn’t move when I slowly reached in my pocket for my phone to take her picture. She even got a little curious and took a step or two toward me after I took her photo. I took a few steps in her direction after thanking her for letting me capture her image. She flicked her tail and a friend I hadn’t noticed off to my left also flicked its tail and they both disappeared into the underbrush.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonus points if you can spot both of them!

I took the first photo of the post at the little bridge that crossed Mill Creek.

This photo is looking the other way. We’ve finally had some decent rain in the past few weeks so there is actual running water in our little creeks and streams in the area again.

After looping back around through some more woodlands I came out at the creek again. But this time the wasn’t a nice little bridge to cross.

 

A month ago this would’ve just been a dip in the trail. Today it had a decent little flow of water and lots of paw and hoof prints in the mud. I tried to cross by balancing on a medium sized rock in the middle but it was unstable and I ended up stepping in the water. It was pretty shallow so only my socks got a little wet. They were already pretty damp from the dew on the grass.

I am definitely adding this forest preserve to my regular rotation of morning walk destinations. The trails here will be particularly nice for snow-shoeing in the winter. If I had a horse this would be one of my favorite places to go trail riding.

When I got home I noticed that the hydrangeas by the driveway had taken on their fall colors. Back in June these same flowers brought me such joy and beauty. Now four months later they are still bringing me joy.

What is bringing you joy this week? Have you made a new discovery?

Daily Practices: Meditation

I have mentioned numerous times recently my daily practices that I have added back into my life to help keep me balanced and moving forward in my growth and recovery. They are; morning walks, yoga and meditation.

I try to do at least one of them everyday and sometimes I manage to combine all three into one activity by doing a walking meditation and stopping along the way for a brief sun salutation.

Of the three practices the one that is the most difficult for me is meditation. Either so many random thoughts and lists of “things” bombard my quieted mind that I am constantly trying to pull myself back to the practice.

In an effort to improve and grow in my meditation practice I recently went looking for resources and guidance. I asked friends if they used any podcasts or CDs for guided meditation, I Googled, I searched iTunes. I downloaded music that takes me to that place in my heart and mind where I feel at home and inspired. And I added a bunch of new podcasts to my subscription list.

One of my favorites for meditation have been the ones from Meditation Oasis. Mary’s voice is very serene and easy to listen to without being too airy. I love that in the meditation that I have listened to so far she says that if our mind wanders or a thought comes in it is okay and to just acknowledge it and let it go. So many times in the past I felt like a meditation failure because my mind kept wandering and thoughts would come in and I knew that was “wrong” and I was supposed to keep my mind quiet and focused on the breath, candle, inner light or whatever was the focus of the meditation. With her gentle okay that this will happen and to let it go I am able to move on in my meditation and stop beating myself up and moving further out of the state I am trying to achieve because I am chastising myself for doing it wrong. There shouldn’t be any shame in meditation right?

I have now discovered the associated website to Meditation Oasis and have found many valuable resources there as well. I really enjoyed reading the post about Walking Meditation as this is my favorite way to meditate. There is also a page on Nature Meditations that is helpful. I found that much of what I have always done is a form of both walking and nature meditation but with the information I’ve read here I have a new appreciation and awareness for my daily practice.

The Meditations in Action section is very interesting and I think I have done this unaware in the past but would like to make a conscious effort to try this form very soon. This is what I do when I go up to my sewing studio to play when I don’t have a specific project in mind. I will put on music and just let the day take me in whatever direction it needs to go. I may end up cleaning and organizing or working on an unfinished project that just needed the right motivation to get going again or be inspired to start something completely new and exciting.

I have also found that meditation has really helped me live in the moment and stop procrastinating. When I’m in my “zone” I will just get so much done because I just do whatever project or thing that presents itself to me. A simple, small example is the other day I was going upstairs to change over some laundry. Because I was open and aware of my surroundings I noticed a pile of stuff that had been put on the stairs to go up “sometime” but had just been walked past for a week or more. I simply picked it up, took it with me and put the few items away in the rooms, closets, drawers that they needed to go into. It took all of 5-10 minutes and very little effort at all. I continued on like this for the rest of the day and instead of feeling pressured to “get things done” I just did them with ease and mindfulness.

The next morning I started to get annoyed because the floors were noticeably dirty. In particular there were spots where something had been spilled and not wiped up in addition to some muddy paw prints by the door. Usually I think that “doing the floors” is an all morning, daunting task and I had to work in a few hours and just didn’t have the time to vacuum thoroughly, get out the floor cleaner, then scrub and wipe the corners and baseboards, etc. In other words I didn’t think I had the time to do it “right”. But I stopped, took a deep breath and took a good long look at the job in front of me. What was really bothering me right then was the sticky spill and the paw prints. So I quickly vacuumed up as much dog hair as I could and filled my mop bucket with warm water and vinegar. I didn’t roll up the area rugs, I just mopped up the things that were really bothering me. Then I noticed the area around the pet water dish was kind of gross so I mopped that too. I didn’t get down on my hands and knees with a scrub brush to get the stone and grout spotless, that was for another day, I just did the job that was in front of me. It took less than 15 minutes and I was able to go to work on time. When I got home that evening I wasn’t faced with a nasty floor and the next day on my day off I could concentrate on other things that I wanted or needed to do that day. I still haven’t had time to do the floors “right” but they are better than they were and I can live with that. 

I think many times when we think about things like meditation we think about it in a deep spiritual way and look for it to do big things and deep things and are looking to become yogis or monks or deeply spiritual beings. We don’t look for it to help us be okay with a less than perfectly clean floor or making grocery shopping on a busy Friday afternoon less stressful or to deal with rush hour traffic without flipping people off and calling strangers names. But it does. It helps to ground us in an awareness of the present moment and to make the most of that moment. For me it also helps me focus on how I feel about a particular situation rather than worrying about what others think about me and what I’m doing.  I’m learning to let go of the paralyzing pursuit of perfection and need for approval from others. I’m not completely there yet but I’m making progress.

Ice, Ice Baby: how to make ice candles

I remember my Mom making these candles for the holidays.

These candles are ridiculously easy to make and the finished product can be pretty impressive looking.

I made mine out of almost all recycled materials.

First you need to gather your supplies. I used two old pillar candles and a taper I had left over from last winter. I like to use a taper candle for the wick instead of a standard wick because the holes the ice leaves can make air pockets inside the candle and the taper will stay lit better than a bare wick.

SUPPLIES:

Clean half gallon milk carton

Pillar candle wax or old pillar candles to recycle

Taper candle the height of the mild carton or taller

Crushed ice

 

 

 

 

I chopped up the pillar candles and put them in the double boiler to melt. See my post about making soy container candles for how-to and safety tips for melting wax.

I am not going to show you how I chopped up these old candles because it was decidedly NOT a recommended way to do it and I don’t want to be responsible for any nasty candle related amputations!

As the wax melted, bits of soot and old wick floated to the top. I carefully used my wooden skewer to fish them out. I suppose you could strain your melted wax to remove any other little bits of stuff that may be in there from the old candles but I wasn’t that concerned.

Once the wax was melted I prepared my milk carton by filling it with crushed ice. I also added a little bit of fragrance oil to the melted wax at this point. I used Vanilla Hazelnut because the original pillar candles were already vanilla scented and I just wanted to boost the fragrance a little bit.

My refrigerator has crushed ice through the door so I just used that. Some of it was shaved pretty fine and next time I will probably just take cubed ice, put it in a baggie and smash it up with a hammer to get bigger chunks.

 

 

Shove the taper candle down into the ice, centering it as best you can. The ice should hold it upright while you pour the melted wax.

 

 

 

Carefully pour the hot wax into the milk carton. Much of the ice will melt immediately so it is a good idea to put your carton in a pan to catch any water that may run out. Usually the milk carton is still water tight so that doesn’t happen. The wax will start to harden quite quickly because of the cold of the ice. You can go ahead and pour off any water that rises to the top. (Don’t pour it down your drain! It will have floating bits of wax)

Let the whole thing cool and harden for a half an hour or as long as you can be patient. Then tear the carton off your new candle. There will probably be some bits of ice and water inside the candle at this point. I just sit it in a shallow dish to catch the water as it melts away.

At this point your candle is pretty much finished. As you can see with mine the taper candle I used as a wick sticks up above the level of the wax. After all the ice melted out of it and it dried, I lit the taper and let it burn down to where the taper is now level with the top of the candle.

Also because I used such fine crushed ice there are a few areas where the holes are really fine and the wax was almost lacy and fell apart easily. Next time I’ll be more careful with my pour and the size of ice chunks I use.

When you burn this candle be sure to sit it on a candle tray or other wax and fire proof surface. The holes make it a somewhat unpredictable burning candle and melting wax can come dripping out of the sides at unexpected places. But when the wick gets down inside the candle it throws a really pretty effect through the holes in the wax.

A fun modification to this process is to leave the candle in the carton until all the ice is melted and pour the water out. Then melt another batch of wax and color it and pour it in to the mold. The new colored wax will fill in the holes left by the ice and make a really cool looking multi colored candle.

You can also use all kinds of recycled packaging for molds. How about a tall cylinder candle made with a Pringles can? Or a rectangular one out of a soy milk carton or the Tazo Chai tea carton? If it is waxy, water-proof container it will hold wax and be able to be torn away easily.

Hope this inspires you to recycle some old candles into something unique and special for your holiday decorating. If you do make one of these (or anything else inspired by my tutorials) I’d love it if you shared a photo with me. Either email it to beth AT myeclecticmess.com or post a link to it in the comments.

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Speaking of comments, I know with my old theme the comments were hard to see and sometimes it would seem like they weren’t going through when they really were. So I changed themes until I have some time to do some much needed blog tweaking. Like all bloggers I LOVE COMMENTS! It lets me know someone is listening. I also love Facebook followers and I’d love to increase that number too. So if you would please comment on posts that you like and follow me on Facebook I’d be eternally grateful. It would also be really sweet if you’d share me with some friends and encourage them to follow/share/pin/comment.

(Whew! That was hard. I really have a hard time asking for followers/comments. It just isn’t in my nature to ask. The way my mind works is that I just do what I do and if people like it and it is worthy, they will comment/share/pin etc. But I’ve come to realize that sometimes you just have to ask for what you need and hope for the best. It is all about being vulnerable. Thank you for understanding.)

Daring Greatly

This morning wasn’t one of those fabulous Happiness Hangover kind of days. I was struggling. I am struggling. But I’m okay.

I had a busy weekend. Had to work Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Went to a friend’s birthday party Saturday night and stayed out too late and had maybe a bit of the bad kind of hangover Sunday. Drove 8 hours round trip to Michigan and back to pick up my daughter from visiting her sister at college on Sunday. She was sick by the time we got home so even though she didn’t have school Monday morning, I had to get her up early to go to a doctor so I could be to work on time at 10:00. The doctor found nothing wrong with her and sent us home. By the time I was about ready for bed last night I felt rather frazzled.

I decided to do a short yoga session before going to bed. I had a real hard time silencing my mind and relaxing my body. My neck hurt. My middle back had been in and out of spasm since Sunday morning. I lit a candle, put on some music and rolled out my mat. It wasn’t smooth, it wasn’t mind expanding, it wasn’t anything special. It just was. It was just what I needed and I went to bed and slept soundly until dawn.

But I wasn’t “all better” this morning. I knew I needed to go walking. I hadn’t been out since Thursday or Friday. But it was dark and cold. I was tired. I had a chiropractor appointment at 9:00. I just wanted to take Emma to school and come home and fart around online for an hour. But I knew that if I didn’t go, it would be even harder to find the motivation the next time I was tired or cold or depressed. I put on my warm clothes, put my iPod in my pocket and drove to the forest preserve. It wasn’t a perfect day. The trees weren’t brilliantly bathed in autumn sunlight. The forest animals didn’t come out to scamper and play at my feet. I took a path I’d never taken before and it was kind of desolate and creepy. I even got a little lost but just ended up turning around and going back the way I’d come because I’d literally ended up on the wrong side of the railroad tracks.

After getting back on a familiar trail I pulled out my iPod and put on a podcast that I’d been wanting to listen to all weekend. Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly Read Along. I devoured this book last week and it has had a profound impact on me already. I’ve decided to go back and reread it with the Read Along. I’m also reading one of her earlier books; I Thought It was Just Me (but it isn’t). I think I may be on the path of becoming an apostle or groupie or something.

In these books she talks about shame and how it effects us and how we can become resilient to shame experiences. We can never be shame-proof but we can learn to recognize the signs and know the triggers and learn to cope and bounce back from those things that send us into a shame cycle. I’m also learning how to become more empathetic and to recognize the signs of shame reactions in others.

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

“Shame is hating yourself and understanding why other people hate you too.”

When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. When we’re hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.”

Reading the above words in these books stopped me in my tracks. I could feel these words in my gut and in my heart. I have lived shame for most of my life. I’ve hated myself and other people. I’ve lashed out and attacked others all because I was feeling shame or was afraid of shame. A few times I had made myself vulnerable and opened up to people and was hit full force by the Shame Train. I need to get a handle on this if I am ever going to become wholehearted.

In Daring Greatly she talks more about vulnerability and how true greatness and creativity come out of moments of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. This is scary because we want to avoid shame and opening ourselves up to being vulnerable also opens us up to the possibility of experiencing shame.

Over the years of writing a blog I’ve struggled with vulnerability and shame. I’ve found it difficult to know just how much to share in order to make my writing interesting and engaging without going too far and opening myself up for ridicule and shame. When I look back however I do realize that the posts I’ve written that have gotten the most positive response have been the ones where I was very honest and told stories that have elicited a “thank you for writing that, I feel just like that sometimes. You are so brave.”  I don’t know about that but I do know that all I can do is write what I know. And often what I know is painful and embarrassing and sometimes it is enlightening and positive.

“The power of owning our stories, even the difficult ones, is that we get to write the ending.”

I think it is important to share our stories and to let each other know that it is okay to struggle and it is okay to celebrate our successes. Shame hides in dark places and in the silence. If we bring it out into the open and shine the light of compassion on shame, it can’t survive.

So the last few days haven’t been bliss-filled days that have moved me toward enlightenment. So what? It is still part of my story and I think it is important to share that too. I’m living in the moment and appreciating the now. It’s all I can do sometimes.

The Hangover

Most of us have had a hangover of one kind or the other at some point in our lives. The kind that comes to mind most readily is the kind that make you say, “never again.” You vow to never over imbibe to this point. You may or may not remember what you did after a certain point in the evening the night before. What you do remember may be embarrassing to say the least. In short you feel like shit and never want to feel that way again. For some lucky people all it takes is one hangover and they never do it again. They are those smart people who actually learn from their mistakes. I am not one of those people unfortunately. I’ve suffered through my fair share of awful hangovers and every time swear that will be my last one.

What I’m going to write about today is what I’ve come to start calling “Happiness Hangovers”. These are awesome and the kind you DO want to repeat.

Since I’ve started taking care of myself again I wake up many mornings with what I call a Happiness Hangover. I know it is dorky as hell and I’ve been trying to come up with a better term but this is what keeps coming back to me. These are what happen when the day before I managed to stay in the moment, find joy in everyday things and just live as well as I possibly could for that day. I wake up refreshed with energy and a positive attitude for the day.

Let me compare this again to the nasty kind of hangovers for a second. Often when I have a bad hangover I may wake up initially and not feel too bad. I may have a little headache or a bit of cotton mouth but I figure I can get up and get moving and everything will be alright. But then as the morning progresses something happens and the effects of the hangover get progressively worse. I start to feel nauseous and dizzy and even the idea of food makes me queasy. Now to compare that with a Happiness Hangover. With these I may wake up just okay. Maybe I didn’t sleep as well as I’d have liked or some little annoyance from the day before keeps coming back to my mind and I can’t leave it alone. Then I get up and do the work to get myself to that good place. I take a walk, I meditate, I listen to inspiring music, I do my yoga practice. Then the happiness starts to settle in again. I feel calm, centered, balanced, in charge.

Sometimes just like with the bad hangover the effects of a Happiness Hangover hit me by surprise. One day last week I was walking in the morning and all of a sudden the sun hit a tree in just such a way that the red and gold fall leaves lit up and I stopped and just smiled and was overcome with a feeling of peace and happiness. I just stopped there in the middle of the trail and said to myself, “Holy shit Beth, you are about as happy as you’ve ever been right now in this moment. Stop and take this all in and remember how it feels. This is a big deal.”

Now every day since I look for those little moments and I try to stop and appreciate them. I’d totally tweet or Facebook status them but I’m sure I’d start to really annoy people with my Mary Freaking Sunshine act in short order. And these moments aren’t for anyone else. They are strictly for me. I hold them and store them away for those dark times when I need to feel love, peace and yes, happy.

I’m building up an arsenal of daily practices that unlike alcohol, you can’t overindulge in. The more I do these things the better I feel and the stronger the Happiness Hangover is the next day. I think I will start making a list of these things and start sharing them one by one and how I’m using them in my daily life to stay on this path.

It has been just about 7 weeks since I started to change how I am living my life and to make positive changes. In many ways it is getting harder to maintain the momentum. In others ways things are getting easier. At first the growth was huge and it was easy to keep the motivation going. Every day I felt a little clearer and stronger than the day before. Now the changes are more subtle and some growth has slowed down. But I must keep going forward and trust in the process.

If all else fails, I have a bottle of this in my shower. Seriously, the morning of my happiness epiphany I got home and jumped in the shower started laughing out loud when I realized the name of my shower gel. Synchronicity works in amazing and very silly ways at times.