The Dark Passenger

I love the show Dexter on Showtime. I think it is amazing how the writers and Michael C. Hall have taken a person/character that for all intents and purposes should be a deplorable human being and made him loveable and sympathetic. If you are not familiar with the show, first of all you should be, go to Netflix as soon as you are done reading this and put all 7(?) seasons in your queue. Okay, now that you’ve done that I’ll fill you in on some of the background so this post makes sense. Dexter is a sociopath and a serial killer. Sounds like a nice guy huh? But it isn’t just a show about a vigilante serial killer. He is also a brother, son, friend, husband (for a while anyway. Sorry, spoiler) and father. He’s fiercely loyal and loves deeply in his own weird way. But he struggles. Because of things that happened to him as a child and the way he was raised, it is almost impossible for him to relate to people in a “normal” way. He studies people and relationships around him to learn social cues and how he is “supposed” to act and relate. He also has what he calls his “Dark Passenger”. This is the part of his personality that compels him to kill. It is that part of his psyche that was damaged as a child (or was he born that way? Hmmmm) that didn’t get repaired through counseling, nurturing, etc.

I’ve also always felt like I have a Dark Passenger. Not one quite as dark and malicious as Dexter’s of course. Mine manifests itself in depression and self-hate. But when it decides it is time to come along for a ride it takes me to a dark place. I get angry, resentful, self-pitying, and ugly. Like Dexter, there are times that I feel like I can control my Dark Passenger. I can acknowledge his presence but not let it take control of me. There are other times when I’m weak or caught unprepared and it just grabs ahold and takes me on a joy ride from hell. Those are the times that in the past have made me want to hurt myself or led me to lash out at people around me in anger. Those are scary times.

Another fictional character that is a good metaphor for what this feels like are JK Rowling’s Dementors.

When this type of Dark Passenger attacks it is more of a soul sucking darkness that overcomes me. It leaves me shaken and weak. There isn’t as much anger directed outward with this kind of Dark Passenger. This one makes me turn all of the anger and hurt inside. But like the Wizards and Witches in JK Rowling’s world I’ve learned to use a Patronus to fight these bastards off. When I was younger my parents were my Patronus. Then it became Steve and eventually my children. When I feel this soul-sucking dickweed trying to take control of me I just hold a picture of these 5 people in my mind and heart until the darkness goes away. As an example I will never forget a particularly dark time when one of my girls was very little. I was alone and the sadness was overwhelming. I picked up that baby and literally held on to her for dear life. As long as I had that baby in my arms and fought back against the darkness with the overwhelming love I felt for that child I was going to be okay. That was also the time that I realized that too  much was at stake to do this alone and I immediately called a Dr. and started taking anti-depressants. I don’t take the medication anymore but it did get me through those critical years and allowed me to relax and be the mother and wife I needed to be during those years.

Right now my Dark Passenger is on vacation somewhere in one of the Circles of Hell and isn’t bothering me. I’m sure he’ll be back. I’m trying to strengthen my defenses. I’m taking better care of myself physically. I’m also working on my spiritual defenses as well. While I’m walking or doing morning yoga I’m meditating and setting intentions for my day to stay aware and centered. I’m also trying to build up my Patronus (what is the plural of Patronus? Patroni?) by building up my relationships with the people who sustain me. I’m working on my marriage, my friendships, my parenting, and even how I look at the most casual people in my world. But most importantly, I’m working on me and my relationship with myself. That’s where it all begins and ends.

Namaste.

Simple Eating

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not much for cooking. But I’m beginning to believe that I may be a deeply closeted foodie. I think that is why I don’t cook. I don’t enjoy mundane, every day food. But I do like to keep things simple. That is one advantage to some of the changes going on in my life currently. Sarah is gone and this is once again Steve’s busy travel time for work. So most evenings it is just Emma and I for dinner. She doesn’t eat much and it would be easy to assume that she is a picky eater. But the truth is that she likes things most typical kids don’t like or won’t even try. So we try different things and sometimes I make one thing and she makes another.

One simple dinner we’ve been enjoying lately are ciabatta sandwiches made with pesto and fresh mozzarella. I add fresh basil and tomatoes to mine. She puts prosciutto and no tomatoes on hers. We don’t have a Panini press but we do have a small George Foreman grill that works just fine to warm things up and if you leave it in there long enough, makes the cheese all melty and happy.

This isn’t exactly “diet food” but it is fresh and natural. Last night we had to make a trip to Target after work for some basics and by the time we were done I was starving. The easy thing to do would have been to run through the Skippy’s drive thru for a gyro and curly fries but instead I opted to come home and put one of these sandwiches together. A much better choice.

Today my inner foodie is going to try making homemade tzatziki sauce. You see, I got the notion of Skippy’s Gyros in my head and I need to satisfy that craving. This is the recipe I’m going to be using: Kalyn’s Kitchen: World’s Best Tzatziki Sauce Recipe. What I’m going to put the sauce on when I’m done I’m still not sure about. Maybe just some fresh veggies, maybe a meat entrée of some kind (would not even know where to begin with lamb so I’m not going traditional here!) or maybe I’ll just pick up some pita chips and call it good.

I’m also hoping to start a quilt project that will start to use up some of my mountains of fabric scraps!

Step by Step

I just got back from my morning walk. This is a habit that I’m trying to get back. Before I had my store I used to walk many mornings a week with a group of girl friends and our dogs. It was fun and great exercise. I lost weight, felt strong and had a regular outlet to talk to other adults about my life, kids and husband. But when I had the store I just didn’t have the time in the mornings to continue with them. Then Shadow and Heidi died and I didn’t have the dogs to take. I tried taking Maizey but we walked at an off-leash forest preserve and Maizey would just run off and not come back so I spent all my time tracking her down and it wasn’t worth it.

Last week after school started and while I was having my back problems I decided that I needed to walk. Standing and walking were the only times my back didn’t feel like someone was jamming a tire iron between my vertebrae. The mornings were cool and I had the time because I was again getting up early to get Emma off to school. Instead of spending my time online reading Facebook and cruising Pinterest, I could be doing something good for me. Walks not only help me physically but mentally as well. The quiet morning gives me time to think and plan my day and sort out things that have been bothering me. I use it as a walking meditation. Walking also seems to help keep the depression at bay. The physical activity releases endorphins, being in the fresh air and sunshine reconnect me with nature and the meditative aspects give me the space in my head to clear my thoughts and put them in order.

One of the big things that has been weighing on me are the things I talked about in my previous blog post: Radio Silence. I was in a very dark place the night I wrote that piece. I couldn’t sleep even though I was exhausted. My body had collapsed but my mind wouldn’t shut off. I was feeling very shitty about myself and my place in the world and in relation to other people. It wasn’t about the other people at all. It was about how I felt about myself, how I thought other people perceived me, how I wanted people to perceive me and how I could improve myself and my relationships with others. This has been a difficult summer in many ways for me. I’ve been through a lot emotionally. Steve and I started counseling so that we could once again communicate and mend the weak spots in our marriage. Sarah graduated and left for college. Emma and I are forging a new relationship as mother and daughter without the shadow of her sister for the first time. I had an argument with a couple of dear friends and I’m still trying to figure out how to repair the damage. I’m getting there, it is just going to take some time and patience.

I’ve learned that life is like a walk. Sometimes the road is level, the weather is perfect and you can clearly see the way in front of you. Other times there is a hill you didn’t see coming and then you step in dog shit and it takes a mile or so of walking in the rain for the stink to wash off your shoe.

Hello old friend.

Sometimes you just have to make something from a quick and familiar pattern just to get back in the groove. Kwik Sew 3658 is one of my favorite go-to patterns. I’ve made it at least two times before in both top and dress form. As I’ve mentioned before, it is basically a copy of a Coldwater Creek top that I’ve had for years that I find both comfortable and versatile. The pattern consists of three pieces and I can sew the entire thing minus the center front seam, with the serger so it goes together super fast.

This fabric was a cut from work that was in a “Project Sewing Workshop” kit that we took apart to sell the pattern separately. I don’t remember the contents but I think it is either a rayon/lycra or maybe bamboo mix. It is nice and soft and has a nice drape and stretch. The colors didn’t show up too well in the photo but it is a mix of dark red, black, tan and white so I can wear it with a number of different pants or jeans.

The weather is starting to change with cooler nights and mornings and some places still have their a/c going full blast like it is still 100 degrees outside so lightweight tops with sleeves like this are going to be in demand in my wardrobe now. Plus it is the first of many pieces of fabric that will finally make the transition from fabric shelf to closet. 

I’ve vowed to stop obsessing over each piece of fabric and every pattern in my collection and just make some damn decisions and make some friggin’ clothes already! I found some forgotten yardage in the big closet the other day after I sorted, purged and folded all the stuff I had out here in the main room. Part of me just wanted to get a big bag and chuck it all but I was looking for something in particular so I went through it. I found  some “what was I thinking?” pieces and then some other basics that I can quickly turn into wearable garments. Most of that fabric has been in there so long that I consider it “Free Fabric” at this point so it is a definite win-win.

Since my vacations I’ve been having some severe back pain issues. I’ve been going to a NUCCA chiropractor for almost a year now to fix some neck issues that are related to my TMJ treatment. I’m not surprised that I was out of alignment after sleeping on airplanes, in cars and on a hide-a-bed and going on amusement park rides etc. But I’ve never experienced back pain like this before. I was literally in tears the other morning just trying to tie my shoes. I finally got time to get in to see my doctor and I was so out of whack that one leg was over an inch shorter than the other! I’m feeling a lot better now but am still a little tender. I feel like I’ve had to spend most of my time lately laying in bed with an ice pack on my back. Sitting and especially driving are the worst. I have been a little afraid to do much sewing for fear it would trigger another spasm. But the other day Emma needed a repair job on her book bag so I helped her out. It didn’t take long and I actually felt better when I was done. So I took the chance this afternoon to make this top and I’m happy to report that I feel pretty okay right now. Maybe I just needed to focus on something else for a while.

Operation Organization Continues

The sorting and purging is ramping up. This is the cutting table with much of the misc. fabric that I have laying around now sorted and folded again.  There are bins on the back side of the table already sorted and filled with yardage of garment fabric. I’m also pretty sure that when I empty a couple closets I will find yet more fabric that needs to be filed away somewhere (Goodwill? Land fill?)

Today was just about sorting and purging the stuff that had accumulated on the old fabric shelves, scraps from previous projects and stuff that had been sorted into miscellaneous baskets around the room that I now don’t remember why it was put in that particular basket. Eventually I got brutal. I filled two tall kitchen garbage bags with scraps and bits that I don’t know why on earth I ever kept in the first place. I think some of it was small scraps that I thought I’d collect to use or donate for stuffing for dog toys, beds, or something that needed large amounts of stuffing. I also used to keep small pieces of fabric to make dole clothes and that type of thing. I haven’t done anything like that in years and can’t foresee myself doing it again in the near future.  After taking the photo I of course found another bag of fabric scraps. I took one look inside and determined that it was going straight to the garbage can in the garage. There will always be more fabric!

Surprisingly, I don’t have a lot of unfinished projects. What I do have are a lot of potential projects. If I were to sew up all the garment fabric I’d have half the cutting island storage empty and a closet full of new clothes. I could make any number of quilts of varying sizes if I used up all of my cottons. So this leads me to the next step. I’m going to make concrete decisions and plans for much of the fabric in my stash. If after an undetermined period of time (6 mos? A year?) if I haven’t found a use for a particular piece of fabric, it has to go to a new home where it will be used or loved. I’m going to make a master list of my “someday projects” and start working through them.

This endeavor needs a name. Project Make or Get Out of the Way? Make New or Move On? Project Make Room for More? Project Use It or Lose It? (I think I like that one!) Leave your suggestions or votes in the comments.

How often do you sort and purge? Are you a saver? What do you do with your leftover scraps of fabric? How small is too small to save? Do you actually ever go back and use scraps or stash fabric or do you just go buy new for every project? I used to be a “buy new yarn/fabric for a project and save the scraps” kind of crafter, I didn’t really keep a stash. I’m not sure when that changed. I’m going to blame the internet, it’s big and can take it. The internet brought all kinds of temptations and cheap prices that were too good to pass up right into my lap. Also sometimes my eyes are bigger than my inspiration. I’ll be shopping and get so excited over all the possibilities that I believe that I can make ALL THE PROJECTS! So I must BUY ALL THE FABRICS! Please tell me that I am not the only one.

Mommy Angst and a T-shirt quilt tutorial

That beautiful baby is leaving for college Sunday. Am I going to miss her? You bet. Am I going to let this simple fact of life that we have been preparing her and ourselves for for 18 (almost 19) years destroy me and leave me an emotional wreck? Absolutely not. I will miss coming home from work or having her come home from school or her job and talking, laughing and sharing the stories of our day. I’ll miss the simple things like eating together, shopping together, and watching tv together. Those things aren’t over, they will just be different and in a different place. Now she will have new people and experiences to share with me and commiserate over together. Just like when she went off to elementary school for the first time or took her first trip away without us, she came home with new experiences to share with us and it made all of us better people and strengthened our relationship.

Am I going to worry about her? Probably. But not ridiculously. I’ve never been a helicopter Mom. I know she’ll face difficult decisions and difficult situations but I have confidence in her as a person that she will come through them stronger and better in the end. To me that’s the point of life and growing up. She has a maturity and sense of self that has always been beyond her years. She’s going to be fine and I’m going to continue to be unabashedly proud of her and in awe of all she has done and will do. I’m excited to see where her life takes her.

Now that I got all the heart wrenching sappy stuff out of the way I will get on to the creative, crafty stuff!

Last summer Sarah decided to try her hand at making herself a T-shirt quilt out of all the miscellaneous shirts she’d collected through the years. In typical teen fashion, she didn’t want my advice or to follow the rules. She figured she’d do it her way and be just fine with the results. If she didn’t care if the final results were perfect and wanted to experiment who was I to say it was wrong? That is how creativity works, just play around with something and see what happens. That is one area that I feel like I was pretty good at in the parenting game, letting my children experiment creatively and make discoveries on their own. I was always there to offer advice or input when I was asked but otherwise, just sit back and see what they come up with. It was almost always enlightening for me too. I can’t count the times they would come up with something completely amazing that I never would have thought of because I was too stuck in following the “rules” and doing things the way they were “supposed” to be done. My advice to creative types, make art with children and don’t make them follow the rules.

All that said, the summer ended and she had lost interest in this project. The Tshirts had been cut up into squares (not all exactly the same dimensions and none of them stabilized) and some had been hand-stitched together in columns. There were also new shirts added to the collection that she wanted to include. She got busy with her Senior year and the project sat neglected. It happens. Then eventually she came to me and asked if I could finish it for her because it meant a lot to her but she just couldn’t make it a priority right then to do it herself. She may have also realized that her methods may not yield the most stable result. She told me that she knew it wasn’t done the way it was “supposed” to be done and she wasn’t all that concerned with the final results being perfect, she just wanted it done. Isn’t that the way with kids sometimes? They make a mess and then want Mom to come in and be the hero and fix it all. Again, it happens. And depending on the situation, we go in and fix it. It’s what we do as Moms.

So I was faced with a bag of cut up Tshirts, some hand stitched together with a wonky whip stitch and a handful of other shirts still intact and the job of putting it all together into a cohesive whole. Were I to have started this project from the beginning I probably would have looked for tutorials online, bought a book and some supplies from work and done it the way it had been done hundreds of times before. But that ship had sailed and I had to get creative.

Number one, stabilizing the knits, couldn’t do it at this point without it being a real hassle. The squares had been cut and to try to put fusible interfacing on the backs and keep them square would have been next to impossible. Also I really didn’t want to rip out all that hand stitching. Did I also mention I was on a bit of a time constraint? What I decided was that the reason most quilters interface the Tshirts is because they are approaching this project in a traditional way. They want the knit fabric to behave like woven. I have lots of experience now with sewing knits on my serger, that’s what differential feed is for  one of the reasons I have this extra machine. And hey, BONUS! The serger will also trim the seam as I sew and cut off all the wonky hand stitching!

This is what I started with.

This is what I ended up with after I went over all the hand sewn seams and then added on the new Tshirts cut to size. Fast, simple, easy and no need to stabilize because the serged seams are designed to stretch. The traditional way to make a Tshirt quilt requires interfacing because a straight stitched seam has no give and when the knit fabric is pulled on it will stretch but the stitches won’t and you’ll get popped seams. A serged together Tshirt quilt is soft, stretchy and strong.

The next step was to back the quilt. Because I wasn’t doing this like a traditional quilt I didn’t need to make a traditional quilt sandwich with batting and cotton backing. I wanted this blanket to be one of those ones that she could take to football games, on a picnic or camping and wrap up in and be warm and easy care. I bought some anti-pill polar fleece to back it. Nice thing about this is that it is wide enough to cover the back without piecing, durable, and washable without any special care.

I laid the fleece out right side up (is there really a right side to fleece?) and placed the quilt top face down on top. I carefully smoothed everything out and squared it up with out stretching or distorting. Then I pinned like a mad woman!

Using my walking foot and taking my time I sewed around the perimeter leaving an opening for turning. I could’ve used the serger again but it was a pretty bulky seam because of the thickness of the fleece and I thought my regular machine with a walking foot would handle it better.

Here’s a tip for when you need to leave an opening for turning. Sew from the raw edge to the depth of the seam allowance and then pivot 90º and continue to sew seam. When you get to the other end pivot and sew off the edge. This helps the raw edges of the opening to turn in evenly and neatly.

 

Once it is sewn all the way around, trim corners and any uneven edges and turn right side out. Slip stitch the opening close. The final step is to top stitch around the perimeter to keep the edges neat and to stabilize it a little more. At this point I decided I was done and that it didn’t need any additional quilting. The texture of the fleece holds the front and back together just fine without any additional quilting in the middle of the quilt. If I thought Sarah was going to use this on her bed every night I would probably hand tie it throughout with floss or yarn or do some small sections of machine quilting to hold it together. But as we say around here, “good enough for what it’s for.”

I hope this mini-tutorial helps take the pressure off a sewist or two who are faced with a project that needs to get done now but seems impossible to do “the right way” within the time constraints. We need to stop putting pressure on ourselves to do things perfectly every time. Sarah is very happy with her quilt, for her it is perfect. She was also relieved that I was able to do it for her without getting stressed out about it not being the way I would’ve done it and that I didn’t tell her she’d messed it up too much.

When I look at the finished quilt I see memories. Concerts and plays we attended. Clubs and church trips she participated in. These are the experiences she had so she would grow up into the well rounded person she is today and that will lead her to continue these types of things in the future. Sunday isn’t the end. It is just the beginning of another exciting leg of our journey. We’ll just be traveling in separate cars for a while now. Traveling mercies dear child. Always know that Mom will always be here to help put the pieces back together if you ever need me to help.

Radio Silence.

Edited at bottom of post for clarification. PLEASE read!

Once again right when my creativity and blog production starts to hit its stride something happens that throws it all catty-wampus. This time it was vacation. Actually two vacations back to back with a three day kids sewing class stuck in the middle.

I’m now home from vacation/s and I’m drained and all that wonderful inspiration and creative motivation I had two weeks ago seems to have now gone on vacation without me. I feel myself moving into another stressful time much like I had this spring/early summer and I hope it doesn’t leave me reeling and emotionally and physically exhausted again. Let me just say this right here so I can remind myself of it later; from now on I’m only going on vacations that are calming and restorative and build up my creative and emotional reserves.

During my two mini-vacations I had moments of great inspiration and restoration. Part one of vacation was a trip to Orlando. While there we went to the Wonderful Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal. It was truly magical. The details and atmosphere were incredible. JK Rowling created characters and a world that became a very important part of our life, especially for me and my oldest daughter, Sarah. She will be leaving for college in less than a week and this one last moment with her and our Hogwarts friends will be remembered forever.

This past weekend Steve and I joined friends for a trip to Northern Michigan. Sunday we went to one of the prettiest places in Michigan, Mackinac Island. Steve and I biked around the perimeter of the island and the views of the lake and bridge were incredible. The weather was perfect and getting out and moving our bodies after a week of flying, car rides, standing in lines and working felt great. The hustle and bustle of the main “strip” on the island can be a bit much, especially after spending time the weekend prior at airports (4 hour flight delay at O’Hare, Ugh!), theme parks and hotels and capping it all off with a very long car ride with friends. My psyche was taking a beating and I really needed to get away from it all and take in the sights and sounds of lapping waves and blue water. I wish we had packed a lunch and our swimsuits, I would have spent the day on a rocky beach taking it all in.

Next weekend I take Sarah to college and then Emma is back to school on Wednesday. There will be no time to rest and recuperate this week. But I feel a real need to retreat and renew. I just want to crawl into my safe “hole” and not come out for a while. I need time to putter and fidget. Purge and Clean. Refresh and Renew. I feel autumn coming and I’m eagerly awaiting the annual feeling of retracting and preparing for a long rest. Fall is always my favorite time of year. To me it has more of a feeling of new beginning than January.

Events in my life recently are indicating a sea change approaching in my life. I feel it. I don’t know what it will ultimately mean. My nest is beginning to empty. I’m getting restless. I’m looking at myself and how I relate to the people in my life with greater purpose and intent. Who am I and who do I want to be? Do others see me the way I want them to see me? Am I doing things that are right for me and the people that really matter in my life? Do I have the kind of people in my life that lead me toward becoming and being who I want to be? Am I helping the people around me to be better and reach their goals? Am I getting enough back for what I put in and do I give enough back to those who replenish me?

One change I’m going to make for a while is that I’m going to stop trying to be popular. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m drained. It is a lesson I’ve been taught over and over again and never seem to learn. When I turned 40 (5 years ago) I made a resolution that year that once a month I would purposely invite a friend to do something or hostess a get together in order to be a good friend and build up my group of local friends. I saw women all around me at church and the neighborhood getting together for Bunco nights, fun weekend retreats, and just casual dinners together and I wanted that too. So I hosted basket/candle/makeup parties, invited like  minded friends to art gallery events, joined church dinner groups, etc. After the year was up I could count on one hand, and didn’t need all five fingers, all the times my efforts were reciprocated. 5 years later I can count only one person that I was friends with back then and invited to some of these events who is still in my life.

Since then I have extended myself to many people and I continue to over do it and live my life in a way that isn’t fully true to myself and I’ve been burned and burned out. Over the past three years I became very active in our local theater community, making friends that became almost like family. Over the past year there developed a rift in this group and I fell into the resulting chasm. Even though I tried to remain friends with everyone involved and never had any personal falling outs with anyone I was hurt and put aside by some people I considered really good friends. These were friends that during this time of turmoil I defended to those who were angry with them and continued to invite to my home, to my birthday party, and to see at the theater and other parties and never knew they had a problem with me and my very generous husband until we were quite obviously and blatantly snubbed. In the mean time there were other friends with whom I unintentionally let our relationship dwindle because I didn’t have time for them and my theater friends, I hope it isn’t too late to repair those relationships now. The theater had given me the kind of close friends I hadn’t had since childhood, confidence I had lost and a renewed purpose. Now I’m not sure I’m going to continue to be active this year. I have little desire to audition or help backstage or direct and I honestly feel right now that only a very few will really miss me if I do decide to take time off.

I’ve recently realized that I am being misinterpreted. I do these things like entertain, host, attend parties and events because I want people to like me. I want to be seen as generous and nice and fun. Yes, I acknowledge that I am snarky and sarcastic and put up defenses cloaked in “humor” because I’m afraid that if people see the sensitive, easily hurt, quiet me they will tease me and make fun of me and ignore me. When I show that side of me I get misinterpreted as being sullen and mad. I just can’t seem to win. I just want a few true friends that see me for who I am and help me continue on the path to make that person better and stronger and truer to my real being. Not only is my generosity not being reciprocated, it is once again leading me to believe that there is something inherently wrong with me, something unlovable.  I need to purposely seek out people in my life that make me feel loved and appreciated and block out those who drain me and make me feel shitty about myself. I also need people in my life who will help me become better, more loveable. I have friends that people can’t help but love and want to be around just because they make them feel better. I want to be that kind of person and I know I am not and I don’t know how to become that kind of person. Can I be that person and still protect my empathic, introverted self? But the real lesson to learn is as RuPaul says, “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” and how is anybody going to love me?

Edited to add:

Once again it appears that I am being misinterpreted judging by the comments both on and off the blog.

I am not drawing back on my involvement with certain people in my life because I haven't been reciprocated and invited over. Many of my friends are very generous and especially my theater friends. There are months on end where we are together every weekend at different events, parties, nights out, etc. all hosted and instigated by different members of the group. Most of the time everyone in the main group is included. (With the noted exception of one hurtful incident noted above.) That is what I need to back off from for my own well-being. I've put priority on that aspect of my life over other areas that need attention right now. I still want to get together with my friends, I just want them to know that if I don't it is just because I need my space. It has become apparent to me again that my social awkwardness and inability to keep my emotions in check while letting my feelings be known make it difficult for people to like me. I need to find a balance. I need to learn to be true to myself and trust that people will be okay with that and that some won't and that is okay too. I can't continue to try to be liked by everyone all the time because it wears me out and doesn't work anyway.

I fall into a pattern of hiding my feelings and acquiescing to others in order to please and not hurt any feelings until I get emotionally exhausted and then the resentment sets in and I lash out emotionally. I have a difficult time communicating, that's why I blog, it helps me get my thoughts out and in order. I can go back a day, week, month, year, later and re-read what I wrote and reanalyze it and see where I was wrong and with new insight move forward to correct it. And I even hold back on here for fear of hurting people in my life. If I express these feelings verbally I won't remember what I said an hour later. I do this in my marriage, with my kids and with my extended family. It isn't healthy and it doesn't help but at least I'm now aware of it and I'm working on it.

I need to get to work now and don't have time to reread this over and over again and nitpick all the possible ways it can be intrepreted or misinterpreted so I'm just going to have to go with it. I just wanted to clarify some things before leaving it for the day.

Peace.