The Dark Passenger

I love the show Dexter on Showtime. I think it is amazing how the writers and Michael C. Hall have taken a person/character that for all intents and purposes should be a deplorable human being and made him loveable and sympathetic. If you are not familiar with the show, first of all you should be, go to Netflix as soon as you are done reading this and put all 7(?) seasons in your queue. Okay, now that you’ve done that I’ll fill you in on some of the background so this post makes sense. Dexter is a sociopath and a serial killer. Sounds like a nice guy huh? But it isn’t just a show about a vigilante serial killer. He is also a brother, son, friend, husband (for a while anyway. Sorry, spoiler) and father. He’s fiercely loyal and loves deeply in his own weird way. But he struggles. Because of things that happened to him as a child and the way he was raised, it is almost impossible for him to relate to people in a “normal” way. He studies people and relationships around him to learn social cues and how he is “supposed” to act and relate. He also has what he calls his “Dark Passenger”. This is the part of his personality that compels him to kill. It is that part of his psyche that was damaged as a child (or was he born that way? Hmmmm) that didn’t get repaired through counseling, nurturing, etc.

I’ve also always felt like I have a Dark Passenger. Not one quite as dark and malicious as Dexter’s of course. Mine manifests itself in depression and self-hate. But when it decides it is time to come along for a ride it takes me to a dark place. I get angry, resentful, self-pitying, and ugly. Like Dexter, there are times that I feel like I can control my Dark Passenger. I can acknowledge his presence but not let it take control of me. There are other times when I’m weak or caught unprepared and it just grabs ahold and takes me on a joy ride from hell. Those are the times that in the past have made me want to hurt myself or led me to lash out at people around me in anger. Those are scary times.

Another fictional character that is a good metaphor for what this feels like are JK Rowling’s Dementors.

When this type of Dark Passenger attacks it is more of a soul sucking darkness that overcomes me. It leaves me shaken and weak. There isn’t as much anger directed outward with this kind of Dark Passenger. This one makes me turn all of the anger and hurt inside. But like the Wizards and Witches in JK Rowling’s world I’ve learned to use a Patronus to fight these bastards off. When I was younger my parents were my Patronus. Then it became Steve and eventually my children. When I feel this soul-sucking dickweed trying to take control of me I just hold a picture of these 5 people in my mind and heart until the darkness goes away. As an example I will never forget a particularly dark time when one of my girls was very little. I was alone and the sadness was overwhelming. I picked up that baby and literally held on to her for dear life. As long as I had that baby in my arms and fought back against the darkness with the overwhelming love I felt for that child I was going to be okay. That was also the time that I realized that too  much was at stake to do this alone and I immediately called a Dr. and started taking anti-depressants. I don’t take the medication anymore but it did get me through those critical years and allowed me to relax and be the mother and wife I needed to be during those years.

Right now my Dark Passenger is on vacation somewhere in one of the Circles of Hell and isn’t bothering me. I’m sure he’ll be back. I’m trying to strengthen my defenses. I’m taking better care of myself physically. I’m also working on my spiritual defenses as well. While I’m walking or doing morning yoga I’m meditating and setting intentions for my day to stay aware and centered. I’m also trying to build up my Patronus (what is the plural of Patronus? Patroni?) by building up my relationships with the people who sustain me. I’m working on my marriage, my friendships, my parenting, and even how I look at the most casual people in my world. But most importantly, I’m working on me and my relationship with myself. That’s where it all begins and ends.

Namaste.