Life Goes On, Even When It Doesn’t

Why is it that I seem to end up writing death posts? First it was our friend Diane back in 2007. Then it was my friend Traci last winter. Now I’m watching via Facebook my (2nd) cousin deal with the impending death of her husband of 6 months. Friends, family, and friends of friends have been praying, lighting candles, sending “healing vibes” and just generally holding them in our hearts for over a month now. During all of this Missy (she prefers to be called Mel or Melissa now but I grew up calling her Missy and old habits are hard to break!) has been so strong and shown great wisdom. Even though she is younger than me chronologically, I’ve always felt she is wiser and an “old soul.” Even though she and Derek have only been married 6 months when this all began they had the wisdom to sit down and have a difficult conversation about end of life plans. I’ve been married for 21 years and we have never had a serious conversation on this topic.

After all of these examples of lives taken too soon I guess I should take the hint and make some plans. The simple way to do it would be to just say, “hey, I’m gone now. You guys do whatever you want, I’m not in control now.” But if anyone does care to do what I’d like this is it.

First of all my body. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. In life I’ve had a real hard time asking for help, especially physical help. If I’m going to be in a long term vegetative state, unplug me. Please. Once I’m dead do the simplest and cheapest thing with my remains. If I have anything left that is of use to anyone, donate my parts to science/donor programs. If nothing else they can learn how a woman can live so long with so few brain cells and so many liver cells. I prefer cremation because boxing me up and paying for some real estate to hold my bones seems really ridiculous and wasteful of both money and land. If you want to make me really happy, mix my cremains with Shadow, Heidi and any other cremated pet I may have at that time and “plant” us under a special tree, preferably an oak.

My earthly belongings can be divvied up any way that results in the least amount of bickering. I do have some nice jewelry that I’d like my daughters to have. I’d like Emma to have my wedding band because it has rubies in it and they are her birthstone. Sarah can have my tennis bracelet. The rest of my rings and other baubles they can fight over, preferably a pool noodle duel to determine the winner. I’d like it if they would offer some pieces to my sisters, nieces or other special women in my life. I have very little else of monetary value but some things that have personal value to me but probably not to anyone else. I’ll leave that up to my family to parcel out or just get a big U-haul and a trip or two to Goodwill.

As far as a memorial service goes, please let there be music and laughter. Make inappropriate jokes at my expense. Stand by my remains and fart. Do slide shots. Embarrass my children, I won’t be around to do it anymore. Tell stories. I love stories. “Remember that time Beth did/said…..” If there is to be any kind of official service (if it will make people feel better or whatever) make it as ecumenical as possible. The memorial service is for those left behind so please don’t leave anyone out. I have friends from all faiths and beliefs. If I had my choice I’d love my service to be at the Albright Theater rather than a church. I’d want as many of my friends and family from all areas of my life to be there.  There would be music, the kind of music we have for pre-show and intermission at performances at the theater. Jen R. and JP always put together an interesting mix of songs that go along with the theme of the show. I’d trust them to come up with a fitting mix in my memory. Steve could also offer suggestions of songs that have history for me etc. I’d also like there to be pictures. Not necessarily of me but of my life and the people in it. Also maybe some of the photos I’ve taken over the years. My life through my eyes. Then I’d like everyone to take a seat and take turns telling stories. There really needs to be people OTHER than just my theater friends talking! Otherwise the rest of you will think I’m even crazier and more degenerate than I really truly am. Seriously, someone call some of my high school teachers to attest that I once was a fine, upstanding young lady! Most of all I want those who need comforting to feel comforted. Be there for my children.

Sunday our pastor referenced Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and talked about the chapter that says to begin with the end. To envision your funeral and what you want people to remember about you and say about you after you die. To live our lives with that end in mind. One thing I thought was I’d like for not just my closest friends and family to have good memories and thoughts but wouldn’t it be great if people that I have the most casual of relationships with were moved to come to my service and say a good word about me. People like a customer, my vet or someone who read my blog. That would be cool.

And lastly, if I can come back and haunt this world, I’m so there! I haven’t chosen a place yet. I think the theater already has a resident ghost but I may pop in from time to time to break a punch cup or let a phantom fart out backstage. I may also haunt my parents’ house because the upstairs there always scared the crap out of us kids and we thought it was haunted so why not fulfill a childhood fantasy? Then when I’m done messing with friends and family here I’m going to find a nice old Scottish castle or manor house and move my fat phantasm ass in. I’ve always dreamed of living in Scotland, never said it had to be while I was actually alive!

What I needed.

Today was kind of wonderful. Not in a grand, “best day of my life” kind of way. But rather in a small, quiet, “whew I needed that” kind of way.

Today was the first day in a long time that I had the house totally to myself. Steve is out of town on business, girls are back to school, and no contractors. I was able to structure it the way I wanted to from about 8 a.m. until 3 p.m.

I watched a little stupid TV while eating my breakfast (American Pickers and a bagel). Then I did a little laundry and housework (clean cat boxes! Yeah!) And most importantly I worked on a project.

I purchased THIS sweet machine embroidery design yesterday. I found some grey linen-weave fabric (I think it is probably polyester.) in the stash and stitched this out today. I am thrilled with the way it turned out. My trusty Bernina 180 really delivered. I’m so glad that I took the chance and bought the embroidery module at Christmas time. (Found it on ebay and used my magical ebay ninja powers to make it mine!)

I combined it with some Amy Butler scraps I had in the stash. I intend it to be a pillow for the new basement room. We painted the walls a pale grey and the carpet is a medium grey twist. I’m hoping to eventually swing a red sectional from Ikea. I may also order the grey slipcover so I have options. I love the look of grey and yellow but am worried it will be too bland and cold for me in the long run. The bright red would really make the room cozy. I would also like some white bookcases on either side of the tv for storage. I have always painted all my walls a variety of colors. Sometimes deep saturated tones and other times vivid brights. I rarely go for the neutral “safe” colors. But I’m looking for a change. I think I’m going to like the simple, clean, neutral backdrop that gives me a place to play with colorful accents and fabrics.

While my Bernina was stitching that out I pulled my Viking out and set it up so I could work on this Tumbler quilt. This is mainly clearance fabric from work in the “Flutter” line from Benartex. I love the greens and deep purple and they match my living room perfectly. I threw some Moda remnants in for variety. I got all the strips sewn together back in the late fall. I laid them all out on the guest bed but then we had company and they had to be put away. I decided to just try to get it done today. I made pretty good progress until it was time to go pick up Emma from school. When I came home you can see that Ozzie had made himself comfortable and I didn’t want to disturb him.

That is today’s progress. The sewing room is still a mess and I spent much more time looking for things in here today than should be necessary but I stayed focused on my projects and managed to get something accomplished. I feel pretty good.

Days 1 and 2:

I’m going to have to get more creative with the post titles as this year goes on but one thing at a time.

Yesterday I started Project Get My Shit Together 2011.

I started how so many of us do at the beginning of the year and the end of the holiday season, taking down the Christmas tree and putting away decorations. It’s a job I both dread and look forward to every year. We are “real tree” people. That means that by New Year’s Eve we have dead, needle dropping mess in the middle of our house.  It is imperative that it goes away as soon after the holiday is over as possible. While putting the tree up and decorating it is a family affair, taking it down and putting everything away is always  my job.

I am also not a “theme tree” person. Our decorations are a collection of things we’ve collected over the past 20 plus years. We started a tradition with the girls that every year they pick out a new ornament for the tree with the understanding that some day when they have their own trees they can take their collection with them. We also buy ornaments during the year when we go on vacation and to mark special events. For years my sister also bought the girls Hallmark collector series ornaments and for a few years we had an “ugly ornament” exchange with Steve’s siblings. So to say our tree decorations are eclectic is an understatement. I love it because it is an annual time capsule that shows the history and story of our family.

Other than the tree,stockings and nativity set I don’t put up a lot of decorations. I used to, especially when we were planning on entertaining over the holidays. But in recent years I just haven’t had time or been all that into it. But even so it seems like we have a lot of boxes and Rubbermaid bins of Holiday Stuff. What I’d like to know is how do the rest of you who have multiple trees, table-scapes, candles, do-dads and what-nots all over the house pack and store everything away at the end of it all? I’m in desperate need of a new system for our ornaments. I’d like to have a box for each of the girls’ collections as well as one for our family ornaments. Our collections include ornaments of all shapes and sizes and many are quite delicate and breakable. Currently I have cardboard dividers in a Rubbermaid tub and I wrap each ornament in tissue. I also have a separate smaller box that I store the particularly delicate ornaments in. The Hallmark collectable ornaments are still stored in their original boxes and make up a layer or two of the Rubbermaid bin. Another Rubbermaid tub holds all the lights and angel with the tree skirt folded on top. Two smaller plastic storage bins hold misc. things like stocking holders, holiday themed serving pieces and knickknacks. The Nativity set is in its own box with all the figures carefully wrapped in tissue and stored inside the crèche.

After the tree was down and out I dusted and lemon oiled the dining room table and buffet as well as the fireplace mantle. Wow. What a difference a little lemon oil and elbow grease make! I remember when we bought the dining room set and I finally felt like a grown up. It was beginning to look a little like a college dumpster diving find. Now it is back to its original elegance.

Monday is also garbage day so we set out to clear as much of the remaining basement junk as we could get our hands on and carry out before it looked like the Clampet’s truck had turned over at the end of our driveway. Seriously, the neighbors are going to start to talk.

Sarah and I also made a grocery run in the late afternoon. I was so pleased that when we got home with it all she set to the task of cleaning out the refrigerator and wiping down all the drawers and shelves before putting the new food away. I think I shed a little tear. I also think Steve and Emma were in the other room thinking we had lost our minds and just a little scared. In the past couple of years Sarah has gone from being the typical teen with the frighteningly messy bedroom and bath to almost compulsive in her cleaning and organizing. A shopping trip to Ikea and The Container Store is nirvana to her.

Today the carpet in the new basement room was installed. They just finished up a half hour ago. My plan today was to empty out the dining room area and wash and polish the wood floor in there but with carpet installers and carpenters still coming in and out I thought I’d save that job for another day. Instead I tackled the living room. Our living room lives up to its name. We spend the majority of our family time either there or in the kitchen. The kitchen gets the “Shiny Island” treatment many times a week and other than miscellaneous clutter that collects on the peripheral flat surfaces, it stays pretty clean. The living room however seems to be the most used and yet most ignored room of the house.

Now I am sitting in a clean, fresh room. I vacuumed, dusted, damp wiped and polished practically ever surface in the room. The wood furniture all got wiped down with a damp cloth and then polished with lemon oil. It glows! The leather couch was pulled away from the wall and cleaned behind and also wiped down and polished with leather cleaner/conditioner. It almost looks new with the exception of some scratches from the pets and nail polish drips on the arms. Guess I’d better spend some more time training animals and children. I used some dry carpet cleaner (Zorb) on the area rug and vacuumed all the drapes, pillows and chair cushions. Even the cat scratching tower got a good going over with my trusty Dyson. I also have a few antique wood bowls and oak baskets around the house. I’ve started vacuuming them off and treating them with lemon oil.

It’s just past noon. I’m now trying to decide if I have enough energy to tackle another area of the house or if it is time for a creative break. The workers are starting to clear out so maybe I will get that floor job started. But then again I do have mountains of laundry sorted on the bathroom floor. And I can’t seem to get my mind off the box of machine embroidery thread I bought last week and want to put to use on my new toy.

It’s that time of year again.

The beginning. All bright and shiny and brand new. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I do need to make some resolutions of sorts though. I’ve begun to feel like the Falling Woman. Just bouncing from one thing to the next with no real control. Since closing the store in 2009 I feel like I’ve been trying to get caught up, trying to get organized, trying to get my shit together in other words. I’ve made little bits of progress here and there but never quite reached that place of stasis where everything is where it belongs and life is moving along nicely. Maintenance mode – that’s what I’m aiming for.

Like this blog. Because my life and mind has been so scattered I haven’t managed to carve out moment to organize my time, thoughts and photographs to blog regularly. Writing is a muscle and like all my other muscles, it is terribly ignored and weak right now. I’m afraid had I been regularly blogging for the past 6 months it would have been a bunch of confused babble anyway. (I know, how is that different from usual right?)

I’m stealing an idea I just read on another blog this weekend. It’s called “The Rose, the thorn and the bud.” Every day she asked her young son to tell his Rose – something good or beautiful from his day, a thorn – something bad or painful, and his rosebud – something he is looking forward to for the next day, week, or year. Here are mine for 2010.

Roses

• My new job. I just love what I do and who I work with and for. If I had sat down a year ago and wrote out a list of what I was looking for in a job this one would probably tick off everything on the list. I get a chance to do what I’m really good at every day. I get to be creative and learn new things in my favorite form of craft. One thing that has probably kept me from going completely nuts is that my boss is incredibly organized! While my house and life is a scattered mess, my work environment is pristine and OCD-like organized. I also enjoy working with customers. People come into our store because they love to sew and quilt, we are there to help them enjoy their hobby.
• My new dog. Castiel came to live with us after Heidi died and has really filled the hole in my heart. He has an old soul quality about him and just fit right in. It was meant to be for him to be my dog. Someday I’ll have to type out his whole story.
• The Theater. I’ve found a second home there again. I feel that between working at the sewing machine dealer and being in plays I’ve finally found my life’s calling. I always wanted to be an actress. Always. I invented reality television in my head when I was a little girl. I used to imagine that cameras were following me and recording my every move (not in a paranoid way!)  I used to write little skits for me and my friends to put on during recess. If there was a school play or performing arts group around I was there. College beat that love out of me. I didn’t go to a school because of their drama department. I went where I had a scholarship to and could afford. I didn’t stay as a theater major because I was overwhelmed with college life, working so I could afford to stay in school and the theater dept. wasn’t set up where underclassmen had any involvement in actually being on stage. Plus I bought into the prevailing zeitgeist of the 1980’s that making money was what was the most important aspect of finding a career. I changed majors to something that I was already doing, Retail Management, in order to further my career. Now I have theater back in my life and I couldn’t be happier. I also have a new family of theater friends that have finally made living here feel a little bit like home.

 

Thorns

• Saying good-bye to Heidi. We knew it was coming, we planned it, we prepared. And it still knocked me out. That is still about all I can manage to type about it with out dissolving into tears.
• The disorganization of my house. I still have too much “stuff” left from the store. Bins and boxes of my personal supplies that I moved there and back home that have never been put where the belong and reorganized in a way that they are useful to me. Boxes of inventory that I just can’t sell and don’t know what else to do with it. I could donate it or give it away but I have to account for it and don’t know where to donate it to. We also just did a small remodeling project that has tossed my basement into chaos, not that it wasn’t chaos before. I swear I hadn’t been down there other than for absolute necessity in a year. We had to clean out part of it for this project and I found crap (some literal) down there that we hadn’t laid hands on in a decade. Now everything else down there is literally stacked to the ceiling like one of those Hoarders shows and covered in drywall dust. When that all finally gets sorted through, donated, tossed and organized I will feel like  I climbed Everest. The upside is that we now have a finished room in our basement that is warm, dry and sealed from mice and bugs. Once the workers get all their stuff out of the garage and the waste picked up off the lawn, I’ll feel better too.

 

Rosebuds

• My daughters. I can’t believe Sarah will be a senior in the fall of 2011 and turn 18. My girls will always be the center of my life even as I help them transition into their own lives. I will never regret one moment I spent with them or thing I gave up to be their full time Mom. Sarah is now past the half way mark of her high school career and I couldn’t be prouder or more impressed with the person she’s becoming. Emma’s creativity and drive impresses me every day. She’s always been a little stubborn but as I predicted when we would butt heads, it is serving her well as she gets older. As both of the girls get older we find more and more things to share and do together instead of less. Both of them have been involved at the theater with me. They’ve stepped up and volunteered and worked hard that now both of them are requested by the directors and stage managers to help out when they are available.  Both of them are talented artists and crafters. Sarah has gotten into knitting again this fall and Emma is always making something and surpassing me in creativity and craftsmanship. We share and talk about books, music, movies and television.
• More sewing. I finally bought (on ebay) an embroidery module for my Bernina 180. I never thought I was that interested in machine embroidery but after working for the Bernina dealer for a few months I learned all the cool things you can do with them and had to upgrade. I’m not able to afford a whole new system yet but was able to swing a module for my old machine using my ebay ninja powers. I got it a week before Christmas and haven’t had time to do much with it yet other than test that it works. But I have plans to master it and the V6 embroidery software I get to learn on for my job.
• The possibility that with a lot of discipline and hard work I may be able to pay off all the debt from the store. I am still about $17k in the hole but have transferred it to a no interest loan and am putting every penny from etsy sales and 95% of my paychecks toward it every month. I am determined that my last foray into small business will not be bailed out by Steve or other family funds. The other reason I love my job. Without it there would be no way that my etsy business could pay off this debt. I would be faced with the possibility of Chapter 11 or using our home equity to pay off a bad idea. I just need to get my etsy business rolling again at a higher level. I have old fabric inventory that needs to be moved out and I need to find some marketing avenues to get my name out there. Again, time and organization are key.

 

So there it is, all typed out. I was interrupted at least twice while typing this by Steve and the dogs and distracted countless times by the sunshine coming through the window highlighting the pet hair and dust under the tv cabinet and my to-do list nagging at the back of my mind. This isn’t going to be easy but sitting here in my chair isn’t helping.