It’s that time of year again.

The beginning. All bright and shiny and brand new. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I do need to make some resolutions of sorts though. I’ve begun to feel like the Falling Woman. Just bouncing from one thing to the next with no real control. Since closing the store in 2009 I feel like I’ve been trying to get caught up, trying to get organized, trying to get my shit together in other words. I’ve made little bits of progress here and there but never quite reached that place of stasis where everything is where it belongs and life is moving along nicely. Maintenance mode – that’s what I’m aiming for.

Like this blog. Because my life and mind has been so scattered I haven’t managed to carve out moment to organize my time, thoughts and photographs to blog regularly. Writing is a muscle and like all my other muscles, it is terribly ignored and weak right now. I’m afraid had I been regularly blogging for the past 6 months it would have been a bunch of confused babble anyway. (I know, how is that different from usual right?)

I’m stealing an idea I just read on another blog this weekend. It’s called “The Rose, the thorn and the bud.” Every day she asked her young son to tell his Rose – something good or beautiful from his day, a thorn – something bad or painful, and his rosebud – something he is looking forward to for the next day, week, or year. Here are mine for 2010.

Roses

• My new job. I just love what I do and who I work with and for. If I had sat down a year ago and wrote out a list of what I was looking for in a job this one would probably tick off everything on the list. I get a chance to do what I’m really good at every day. I get to be creative and learn new things in my favorite form of craft. One thing that has probably kept me from going completely nuts is that my boss is incredibly organized! While my house and life is a scattered mess, my work environment is pristine and OCD-like organized. I also enjoy working with customers. People come into our store because they love to sew and quilt, we are there to help them enjoy their hobby.
• My new dog. Castiel came to live with us after Heidi died and has really filled the hole in my heart. He has an old soul quality about him and just fit right in. It was meant to be for him to be my dog. Someday I’ll have to type out his whole story.
• The Theater. I’ve found a second home there again. I feel that between working at the sewing machine dealer and being in plays I’ve finally found my life’s calling. I always wanted to be an actress. Always. I invented reality television in my head when I was a little girl. I used to imagine that cameras were following me and recording my every move (not in a paranoid way!)  I used to write little skits for me and my friends to put on during recess. If there was a school play or performing arts group around I was there. College beat that love out of me. I didn’t go to a school because of their drama department. I went where I had a scholarship to and could afford. I didn’t stay as a theater major because I was overwhelmed with college life, working so I could afford to stay in school and the theater dept. wasn’t set up where underclassmen had any involvement in actually being on stage. Plus I bought into the prevailing zeitgeist of the 1980’s that making money was what was the most important aspect of finding a career. I changed majors to something that I was already doing, Retail Management, in order to further my career. Now I have theater back in my life and I couldn’t be happier. I also have a new family of theater friends that have finally made living here feel a little bit like home.

 

Thorns

• Saying good-bye to Heidi. We knew it was coming, we planned it, we prepared. And it still knocked me out. That is still about all I can manage to type about it with out dissolving into tears.
• The disorganization of my house. I still have too much “stuff” left from the store. Bins and boxes of my personal supplies that I moved there and back home that have never been put where the belong and reorganized in a way that they are useful to me. Boxes of inventory that I just can’t sell and don’t know what else to do with it. I could donate it or give it away but I have to account for it and don’t know where to donate it to. We also just did a small remodeling project that has tossed my basement into chaos, not that it wasn’t chaos before. I swear I hadn’t been down there other than for absolute necessity in a year. We had to clean out part of it for this project and I found crap (some literal) down there that we hadn’t laid hands on in a decade. Now everything else down there is literally stacked to the ceiling like one of those Hoarders shows and covered in drywall dust. When that all finally gets sorted through, donated, tossed and organized I will feel like  I climbed Everest. The upside is that we now have a finished room in our basement that is warm, dry and sealed from mice and bugs. Once the workers get all their stuff out of the garage and the waste picked up off the lawn, I’ll feel better too.

 

Rosebuds

• My daughters. I can’t believe Sarah will be a senior in the fall of 2011 and turn 18. My girls will always be the center of my life even as I help them transition into their own lives. I will never regret one moment I spent with them or thing I gave up to be their full time Mom. Sarah is now past the half way mark of her high school career and I couldn’t be prouder or more impressed with the person she’s becoming. Emma’s creativity and drive impresses me every day. She’s always been a little stubborn but as I predicted when we would butt heads, it is serving her well as she gets older. As both of the girls get older we find more and more things to share and do together instead of less. Both of them have been involved at the theater with me. They’ve stepped up and volunteered and worked hard that now both of them are requested by the directors and stage managers to help out when they are available.  Both of them are talented artists and crafters. Sarah has gotten into knitting again this fall and Emma is always making something and surpassing me in creativity and craftsmanship. We share and talk about books, music, movies and television.
• More sewing. I finally bought (on ebay) an embroidery module for my Bernina 180. I never thought I was that interested in machine embroidery but after working for the Bernina dealer for a few months I learned all the cool things you can do with them and had to upgrade. I’m not able to afford a whole new system yet but was able to swing a module for my old machine using my ebay ninja powers. I got it a week before Christmas and haven’t had time to do much with it yet other than test that it works. But I have plans to master it and the V6 embroidery software I get to learn on for my job.
• The possibility that with a lot of discipline and hard work I may be able to pay off all the debt from the store. I am still about $17k in the hole but have transferred it to a no interest loan and am putting every penny from etsy sales and 95% of my paychecks toward it every month. I am determined that my last foray into small business will not be bailed out by Steve or other family funds. The other reason I love my job. Without it there would be no way that my etsy business could pay off this debt. I would be faced with the possibility of Chapter 11 or using our home equity to pay off a bad idea. I just need to get my etsy business rolling again at a higher level. I have old fabric inventory that needs to be moved out and I need to find some marketing avenues to get my name out there. Again, time and organization are key.

 

So there it is, all typed out. I was interrupted at least twice while typing this by Steve and the dogs and distracted countless times by the sunshine coming through the window highlighting the pet hair and dust under the tv cabinet and my to-do list nagging at the back of my mind. This isn’t going to be easy but sitting here in my chair isn’t helping.