Surprisingly there are some things that I hesitate to write about here. I don’t like to talk about specific incidences between me and my family and friends. I don’t think it is fair to tell my side of a situation in a place that is potentially “public.” (Even though I think only about 4 people actually read this blog!) But it makes it hard for me to work through difficult situations that are bothering me if I can’t talk it out here in my safe place. Plus I know that my readers have probably been through similar situations and sharing them can make them easier.
I have been struggling with a relationship for some time now and feel like it is time for me to bring it to some resolution. Or I should say that it seems like has come to a resolution on its own and I’m just now realizing it and seeing it for what it is. I’ve been given very clear signals that I’m no longer important to a (formerly) very close friend. I’ve been put aside and I don’t completely know why and it hurts. I’ve told this friend that I miss her and am available when she has time for me again. At first the responses to my overtures were politely turned down with reasonable explanations as to why she was too busy. But after almost two months of rejections the distance has grown wider and the excuses weaker. She has made time for others and when we have been in the same place at the same time I’ve been ignored. Worst of all, there seems to be no remorse and no expression of actually missing me. Now when I even think about reaching out again I tear up and my heart hurts.
I can’t continue to do this to myself and my heart. I’ve been working very hard at healing myself and strengthening myself to deal with the shame that situations like this put me in. I haven’t had a day in the last 8 weeks that I haven’t thought about this person and our relationship. I’m haunted by it. I have to find a way to let it go. I must find a way to take this off my mind and out of my heart. I need to put myself in a place where I’m open to her when and if she ever wants to be a part of my life again but not to sit here in tears waiting for it and hurt by every little slight I feel or imagine. I don’t want to take an attitude of “I don’t need you anyway, I’m over it and moving on.” That is not how I feel and not the kind of person and friend that I strive to be. This is going to be a lesson in vulnerability and strength. The two really do go hand in hand.
A big part of the work I’ve been doing recently is opening my heart and keeping it open to life and where it leads me. I’m living in the moment as best as I can. If that means that I acknowledge and honor the love and friendship that we once had and just accept that right now in this moment it isn’t there and continue to hold my love for her in my heart I guess that is all I can do. I will not allow my shame and hurt to replace the love I feel for her as a friend with resentment and negative thoughts. If I continue to do that then when if someday life brings us back around to each other again my heart will be free to let her in again. If it doesn’t then I can go forward knowing that I had a dear friend that for a period of my life was very important and special and I can look back fondly with no regrets.
Another friend shared the following with me recently. I don’t know the original source so if you’ve seen it somewhere before and know who it belongs to please leave me a message and I’ll credit the author.
LEAF PEOPLE come into your life and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can't depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold or a wind blows in your life they are gone.
BRANCH PEOPLE come into your life and they are like branches on a tree. They are stronger than leaves, but you have to be careful with them. They will stick around through most seasons, but if you go through a storm or two in your life it's possible that you could lose them. In most cases they can't handle too much weight.
ROOT PEOPLE in your life who are like the roots of a tree then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are not trying to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you and water you.
Just as a tree has many limbs and many leaves, there are few roots. Look at your own life. How many leaves, branches and roots do you have? What are you in other people's lives?
I spend a lot of time among trees. Trees need good, deep soil to grow strong and put down deep roots. My heart is like the soil that the friendship tree grows in. Trees need leaves. Leaves make a tree useful and beautiful. But a tree doesn’t have healthy full leaves if it doesn’t have strong healthy branches and roots. Cultivate the roots and the branches and leaves will inevitably grow strong and flourish. I’m going to continue to nourish my heart and make it into place where the tree of friendship can grow strong with deep roots and wide branches and leaves that I can admire for their beauty and with appreciation for their shade.
I’m not ready to get out the chainsaw and prune off any branches. I don’t think the branch (I thought it was a root but maybe I was wrong) in question is dead. Maybe it just needs some weight taken off it for a little bit.
I read your blog and thank you for sharing. This is a wonderful analogy of friendship. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love how you're thinking about this situation.
ReplyDeleteSending you love, and hoping that the memory of the colours the leaves brought to your fall cheer you through the winter.
My concern with this post is that you are not sharing this privately with your friend but doing this publicly. This must be very hurtful to her if she reads this and I am sure if she is your friend she will. I understand the need to air you feelings but wouldn't a private journal have been better. If you were hoping to work things out, I believe that this post may very well destroy your friendship. I do not understand your comment of shame in this. That makes me feel there is more to this. Publicly putting down someone because of what you feel they have done, without hearing there side can be very damaging. I feel that people often misinterpret what someone has done or said, especially without actually having conversations in person. I do hope you work things out with your friend. When I read this I felt as bad for your friend as I did for you.
ReplyDeleteI respect what you have to say and your opinions Cathy. You are right, it would be best to talk this out in person with my friend. I would love to do that but busy schedules and continuing avoidance have made it very difficult. I will talk to her about it when she has time if I can and she wants. That is the point of all of what I wrote. That I realize she isn't available for me for a number of reasons right now and I can no longer sit around feeling sad and lonely about it and I can't let it turn into further hurt and pain and have that turn into resentment and negativity. I saw that this was already beginning to happen which led to some misunderstandings and I knew I needed to get my head straight about the whole thing. If I let it continue, my head would go back to the old way of thinking and I'd get petty, biting, always assuming the worst, etc. I needed to realize and acknowledge that I had asked her for time and space to work through a difficult and busy time in my life recently and it seems that that is what she needs right now from me and instead of being hurt and angry about it I decided to give her the same courtesy.
ReplyDeleteThere is more to this story for sure, but I chose not to share the details and back story because that is not what this is about. I also don't see how I put anyone down in what I wrote. I am sharing my thought process on dealing with this painful situation. I wasn't assigning blame, because there isn't any blame to be assigned here. We are both responsible for getting to this point. I'm just sharing where my mind and heart are at and the process it took me to get to this point.
Thank you for disagreeing with me in a respectful manner.