A very special episode of Life on Shiney Island

Christo on a Wheat Thin.

Wednesday is the first day of school for the new year. All Moms everywhere know what means. Shopping. Shoot me now. Or rather why didn't someone shoot me on Sunday? Please.

Shopping with (or for) my girls is so hard. Don't misunderstand, they aren't whiners and don't beg for inappropriate things that we can't afford. Rather both of them are next to impossible to find clothing that fits them. And the problem is a matter of extremes.

If I had to name the biggest failure I've had as a mother it would be Sarah and her weight. I noticed very early on that she was getting chubby at about 6 or 7 years old. We were homeschooling at the time and I tried to find ways to incorporate more physical activity into our day. I also signed her up for soccer, dance and gymnastics at different times to try to meet both her social and physical needs. All to no avail. She inherited the family disdain for organized sports and group activities. As time went on and her size increased I tried different things at the same time trying to NOT make an issue of it all.

Growing up in the 70s and 80s in the era of after school specials and "very special episodes" of Family Ties and Blossom, I was hyper-aware of what negative implications might come from a mother obsessing about her daughter's weight. I didn't want her to have self-esteem issues and eating disorders. Instead I failed in the opposite direction. I figured she'd eventually decide it was time to do something about it and when she wanted to slim down I'd be there to help her in a positive and healthy way. And we've tried. Lord knows we've tried.

To add insult to injury Emma is tiny. She takes after my sister in law who was 115 pounds and had a 32 inch waist two weeks after giving birth to her first son. I know this because she was in my wedding party and I had to take her measurements to the seamstress who was making my bridesmaids' dresses at the time. Emma is going into 7th grade and still can't shop in the Junior's Dept. I finally bought her one of those pathetic little padded bras because she was so depressed about never getting boobies. She is built somewhat like a gazelle or young thoroughbred. All legs and no curves. Many would envy her (I know her sister and I have our moments) but in reality it is as hard as the other extreme that is her sister. Her friends are getting bras because they need them and are getting their first periods and filling out bathing suits and cute sundresses in ways she may never get to do. She can only find clothes that really fit her (but are too short) with Jonas Bros. and Dora the Explorer emblazoned across them. She has a fierce sense of style and has a hard time being able to realize it.

Emma's situation is easier on me as a Mom. She may grow, she will eventually go through puberty. It isn't as hard on the psyche to be skinny in our society. Being a size 00 has its hardships but for the most part it is something that is looked at as a positive in our culture. I'm don't agree with this but it is what it is. She can't help or take credit for the genetic lottery she won.

Sarah's situation on the other hand is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Days like today are particularly hard on both of us. It got to the point that we just gave up trying to find clothes around here. For a few years I made her most of her clothes. That was fine until the teen years hit and she wanted to wear what everyone else wore. Nobody wants to be the girl who wears clothes her Mom sewed for her! Then we found a few stores in the big mall an hour away that carried fashionable stuff in her size. Today even that was an epic FAIL. We did eventually find enough to get her by but I felt so defeated and I know she was pissed. On a positive note, she did find a beautiful dress for Homecoming. She looks so pretty in it but I know that she doesn't feel as pretty as she really is and should feel at this age.

I can't help but feel like it is my fault. I was responsible for the food in the house and what she ate. I didn't make her exercise or stick with a sport. I kept telling her it was okay and she was fine when she clearly wasn't. I wanted her to have a good self image. But instead I fed her a lie. Now it has gotten to the point where she has been in denial about it and it is affecting her health. I know she wants to fix it. I know it is serious and she won't be able to do it alone. I also know it will take some serious tough love on my part to help her achieve what needs to be done. I'm not feeling up to it right now but I know I don't have a choice.

Any resources or advice internet? Especially anything geared specifically toward teens?

**This post will probably be made "personal/private" very soon to try to preserve some semblance of dignity for my girls. I just have to put it out there for my sanity.