I have a extra-sensory talent. Unfortunately it isn’t one that will get me my own TV show or even a guest appearance on the Montel Williams show. I’m empathic. Yeah, yeah, like Deanna Troi on Star Trek: TNG. Only not as sexy and less useful.
Instead of being able to assist Picard and Riker in relationships with foreign entities and thus furthering Starfleet’s prime directive, my kind of empath just feels the emotions surrounding them and if not careful gets overwhelmed in social situations. Shopping malls, especially during busy, high stress times like holidays are the bane of our existence. All that frantic, exhausted energy tinged with a sense of disappointment hits us in the gut and drains us. There is a positive side to this that happens rarely but is pretty cool. In situations where we are surrounded by positive, good energy is almost mind blowing. I’ve been at church services, concerts, public gatherings and on stage where the good feelings took me to another place both inside and outside of myself that was incredible. Not surprising, lots of actors are empathic. That is why a lot of actors are also depressed, alcoholics and can’t hold steady employment or relationships outside of the theater, but that’s a post for another day.
What also happens is that we get our feelings easily hurt and can get resentful. This happens because we assume that everyone else feels the same way we do and can sense our emotions and can tune into what we are feeling and desiring. Guess what fellow empathics, they can’t and it has nothing to do with us. I firmly believe that most people who are accused of being passive-aggressive are really just empathic. They don’t realize that the other people in their life don’t sense what they are putting out and they get angry and resentful. But because an empathic person is so hyper aware of hurting other’s feeling they would never come right out with their desires or demands and instead continue to “put it out there” passively hoping that their non-empathic loved one will care enough to pick up on it and change. But that isn’t how it works in the non-empathic world and it isn’t because our non-empathic friends and family don’t care, they just don’t see and feel the world the way we do.
How can you help yourself live more comfortably in this world if you are empathic? First of all you need to realize that you are empathic and also that most people you meet are not. It wasn’t until very recently that I figured this out, I’m 45 and a slow learner I guess. Back in middle school I had regular appointments with the school counselor because “they” were worried about me. I was super emotional all the time (more than the average middle schooler???) and I think my teacher thought I was being abused at home or was depressed or something. (She was kind of right, this was about when I started showing the first classic signs of depression.) I don’t think this counseling really did me any good but at least I did get some attention and an attempt at help with dealing with my emotions. One thing I can tell other empaths NOT to do is what my counselor tried to do with me. That is to bury and hide what you are feeling. She actually bribed me to try to go one week without crying in public or losing my cool and she’d take me out for pizza and soda for lunch or some such shit. I fell for it (empaths are natural people pleasers, it hurts us to not do what others ask us to do) and for a week I swallowed (sometimes literally) my emotions all day at school and on the school bus and didn’t cry once. What I did do was totally lose my shit as soon as I could get alone in my bedroom.
This was my take away lesson from this experience. I’m still really good at hiding when someone hurts me and then obsessing for hours, days, weeks, YEARS over every little word, look or breath the other person took that I interpreted as a slight. I’m also really good at crying myself to sleep and to sobbing in the shower so no one hears me. What I am really bad at is standing up for myself and worse at confrontation. By the time a situation gets to the point that confrontation is the only answer or when I’m faced with someone who calls me out, I’ve been burying my feelings for so long that they are like those snakes-in-a-can jokes and I just break down and can’t form a comprehensible sentence or make a point. I just cry and try to make amends as quickly as possible so it can just be over.
As an empathic person you need to realize that it isn’t always all about you. The non-empath will read this and think empaths are narcissists, not at all. What we are is hyper-sensitive and take on the feelings of others as our own. When faced with over-powering emotions coming from another person that we can’t control or handle we need to remember that these emotions aren’t being directed at us even though we are taking them on full force. We aren’t the intended target and we need to duck or get out of the way. Leave the situation if possible. If you can, tell the other person that they are putting off some strong ju-ju and you are having a hard time with it. Cultivate relationships with people who understand and who allow you to unload all this emotional psychic baggage.
What if you aren’t empathic but are pretty sure that someone you live with, are in love with or work with is and you want to know how to deal with them better? Here are some suggestions.
- Verbalize your feelings. Yes, we can feel your emotions but if you come home angry at traffic, your boss or because your favorite team didn’t make the playoffs, we don’t know that, all we know is that you are angry and we’ll assume it is at something we did unless you tell us otherwise. We are empathic, not psychic.
- Show appreciation. Like I said before, empaths are natural people pleasers. We will do things for others that we think they will appreciate until it exhausts us. We want everyone to be happy and content because then we are surrounded by feelings of happiness and contentment. Win-win. We will continue to try to do this until someone stops us. The best (and nicest) way to do that is to say thank you. You may not even realize that your empathic loved one is doing all this for you because you never asked for it or expected it. Take notice of these things and say thanks.
- Try to tune into our feelings and needs. Empaths often start to take on the emotions of their surroundings. They also have a hard time separating their emotions from those they’ve taken on externally. It can make us a little cray-cray! We spend a lot of our energy tuning into other people and trying to make them feel better and to please them it leaves very little left for ourselves. Sometimes just a little acknowledgement of the struggle is all that is needed.
- Remember that most empaths take things very personally. Like I said before, if someone we’re with is angry, we’ll assume they are angry with us unless we’re told otherwise (oh, and we can tell when you’re lying!) If people are in the corner at a party whispering and laughing we’ll assume they are laughing at us. Sometimes this borders on the ridiculous. I’ve been known to feel personally responsible when there are too many mosquitoes at a backyard party.
So that dear readers is my psychology lesson for today. Hope that it either helped you understand why you are feeling crazy all the time or why someone you love is making you crazy all the time. Have a good day, please!
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