Stage Four

I think I'm officially in the midst of stage four of the withdrawal process. I can only describe it as the stage where you try desperately to stay in control because the yawning abyss of all that brought you to this point in the first place is dangerously close and will take advantage of the slightest chance to suck you back in.

To quote Michael Corleone, "I thought I was free. But it sucked me back in!" But in my case it is depression and chaos rather than the Cosa Nostra.

Clarity has come painfully back into my life this week. I'm seeing things about myself, my relationships, my family, and the world that the medications had clouded over for too long. In an effort to not allow these things to get to me I have to be brutally honest with myself and take control of every aspect of my life that I can. I'm trying to do it with a sense of balance as to not upset the applecart too much in the process. My friends and family are used to me now as an easy going, albeit opinionated, woman. Now I'm letting some of the actions follow the opinions and that is hard for everyone to handle at times.

Example: One benefit of my recovery has been that I'm retaking control of my home. Things are getting reorganized and cleaned. I'm staying on top of finances, school work, chores, etc. Mr. O has appreciated this I know. On the other hand I no longer can casually overlook when my hard work gets messed up or my reorganization process gets ignored and shit isn't put away where it belongs, per my new system. I'm trying to be patient and realize that change is fluid and will take time to fully take effect and become the norm. But it is still frustrating and I'm currently walking on emotional eggshells as it is so it is very easy for me to snap.

I happen to be loud, opinionated, and have a rather twisted sense of humor. I also know how to behave in polite company, use proper etiquette, how to initiate a conversation with a new acquaintance and politely ask them about themselves and listen to their answers. But it is those first three rather innate qualities about my personality that stick out in a person’s mind after meeting me. It is also those same qualities along with my extreme sensitivities and emotions that get me into the most trouble in my personal and social life. I know there is more to me than the outward bravado and my closest friends and family know that too. They know there is as much Oprah in me as there is Paris Hilton. I have to relearn now how to bring the two sides together and give them both equal airtime so that wrong impressions aren’t set and assumptions made.

Another thing that has snapped into clarity for me this week is how depression and being emotionally "out of the norm." Is viewed and handled by our society. Especially when in regards to women, there is no denying that women's health issues, both mental and physical, have been given the short shrift by the scientific community for ages. Women have made great inroads in the areas of breast cancer research, infertility, heart disease and many other diseases. But mental health is still a very taboo subject. Add to it that society has a very specific ideal of how a woman should behave socially and privately I’ve come to see that if a person, a more commonly, a woman, doesn’t fit into societies ideal they are made to feel that they have to find a way to go along to get along. Antidepressants are one way to do that. Therefore even if when on these meds you still don’t quite fit, you can cope with the rejection and being an outcast more easily. The Stepfordizing of the American Woman continues. It needs to stop.

If you have a friend, sister, mother, wife, daughter, niece or other female in your life that you care about whose behavior at times can be embarrassing, rebellious, maudlin, angry, loud or otherwise just not “normal,” before you make a rash judgment take a second to think before you say any of the following things to them,

“You are so embarrassing, why can’t you act like everyone else?”
“She’s so loud that’s not ladylike.”
“Don’t you care what other people think about you?”
“I don’t ‘get’ her.”
“She’s too moody.”
“You are so irrational.”
“You need to stop acting like that; no one will want to be your friend.”
“The reason you are unpopular is because you’re too emotional.”
“You make people uncomfortable.”
“You don’t fit in, you should try harder.”
“I was embarrassed to be your friend.”
“Drink this/smoke this/try this medication, it will mellow you out so you are easier to deal with/don’t care what people say about you.”

Not surprising that young girls are cutting themselves, being promiscuous, drinking and smoking, doing drugs, committing suicide and otherwise hating themselves. Also not surprising that more and more middle age women are doing the same things and they “should know better.” We do and with support from those around us we can avoid these landmines and be functional human-beings. Some of us do need to be medicated and there shouldn’t be any judgment about that decision. Some of us just need to know we aren’t alone and that there is at least one other person out there that understands, has been through it before, forgives us of our ‘sins,’ and will be with us when we’re loud and obnoxious and when we’re quiet and reflective and know that both sides are “normal” for us. I ask everyone that has read to this point to try to be that person for at least one person in your life. I know it isn’t an easy role to play in a relationship, but believe me when I say, it can change a life, and maybe even the world.