Is it over yet?

My holiday season wasn't what one would call cheery. At least inside my brain. At times I think I managed to pull off a semblance of festiveness and I didn't kill anyone, myself included. So on that note, I'd consider it a success.

I'm hesitant to go into dreary detail but I guess I should give some sort of recap for those of you at home keeping score.

Dec. 20th: Girls' last day of school.
Dec. 21st: Neighborhood Christmas House Walk. No problems, not too much to drink, and spirits in okay condition.
Dec. 22 & 23: Family arrives for our holiday festivities. All goes really well. I manage to not get all stressed out and am relaxed and having fun. We have a dinner for 18 people and it all goes off beautifully.
Dec. 24th: This where things start circling the bowl. I'm physically tired from the weekend. We make the decision to have our gift giving that afternoon so the girls can have more time with their "stuff" and to give us more time in the morning. We figured they were over the "magic" of Christmas morning. Sorry to say but this decision took any remaining wind out of my sails. So anti-climactic to open gifts at 3pm on Christmas Eve. Then we had to start getting ready for dinner and church service. We were scheduled to usher at the 8pm service. We were late and I was stressed out. It all went off without a hitch but it left me more than a little frazzled. Plus I got dissed AGAIN by our senior pastor. It feels at times like he compares me to a smelly fart and the fart wins.
Christmas Day: We get up and finish packing and loading the car for our trip to Michigan to the in-laws. Because we have more time I do get a lot of the garbage out to the garage and the house picked up and vacuumed before we leave which is nice. The weather is great and the drive goes fast. Mr Mess thought ahead and made breakfast sandwiches to eat in the car because McD's would be closed. We arrive in Traverse in record time and all is well.
Dec. 26 - 27: I'm exhausted now emotionally as well as physically.

E indicates that having gifts early wasn't as much fun as usual even though she liked having the new Wii to play with early.

MiniMe starts a campaign of teenage bitchiness that takes no prisoners. She knows all the buttons to push and nails them every time.

Mr. Mess and I barely speak to each other. Then right before the big family dinner is ready to be served I'm talking with my sister-in-laws and finally relaxing a little and feeling like a part of the family, and he drops a big ol' smack down on me that leaves me in tears and mute for the rest of the night. I manage to muster through dinner but as soon as I can escape I grab my new iPod, coat and boots and head out into the north woods night for a walk. After 20 minutes of P!nk, Kelly Clarkson, and Amy Lee getting all my pissed off emotions out for me in my ears, I return to the house and find a metaphorical corner to sit in.

MiniMe opts to stay at the house instead of returning to the hotel room of snoring and small, hard beds. Needless to say, the rest of us suffer through another night of hotel heating that is either too cold or too hot and dry and makes all of us snore like St. Bernards. I get very little sleep and my emotional tank is totally tapped at this point.

Thursday morning is a little better but not much. We escape to the mall so the girls can spend some of their Christmas gift cards and cash. Then we return to the house to gather the rest of our stuff and wait for Mr Mess to complete a conference call. Then we hit the road again. Drive was okay and we got home by 9:15pm.

Dec. 28- Jan. 1: The holiday week has taken its toll on my physically now. My digestive system is all out of whack. We got a snowfall on Friday so we shoveled the entire driveway (it's huge, long, and circular) and my arms, wrists, and back ached. Also, the four of us have been in almost constant contact for over a week. We're getting on eachother's nerves and we all need a little normal routine in our lives or something. On Sunday we do have our good friends over for dinner and games and have a great time. But even that doesn't end well.

Right before bed MiniMe says something to me that cuts to the quick and I go to bed and try to talk to Mr Mess about it but don't get much helpful feedback so I just roll over and cry myself to sleep. I must be grinding my teeth in my sleep too because I wake up with a jaw pain that only ice packs can relieve. I'm on emotional eggshells now too. In in one of those dark places that leaves me staring out at the snow and wishing I could run away. It takes a real physical effort to do just about anything. I'm keeping a very tight rein on everything because I don't want to crack or lash out at any of my family. Eventually I just go back to bed for 2-3 hours to try to refill my fuel tank enough to get to midnight.

MiniMe goes to a friends for the night and the rest of us stay home and eat reheated pizza and play Wii. Seeing Dick Clark at midnight depresses me even more. Because Little E doesn't like to sleep upstairs alone, I sleep with her in the queen bed in the guest room. I get a much needed full night's sleep.

New Year's Day: The sleep helped so much. We got dumped on with over a foot of snow and I'm inspired to go out with the dogs and go snow-shoeing. I take my camera and get some much needed exercise at the dog park. Heidi and Shadow loved it too. The rest of the day I was able to relax and slowly crawl out of the hole I had been in. I made clam chowder from scratch for dinner and worked on some new photos with some software our friends gave me.

Today the sun is out and my mood is up. Bonus that Mr Mess is back at the office this morning and the girls are still in bed. It almost feels like a normal day around here again.

This battle I'm fighting with depression is never ending. Even though this has been a really hard week, I don't want to go back to the medications I fought so hard to get off of a year ago. I've made it an entire calendar year with out them and with a few rough spots I've done okay. I wish there was something I could take only during those rough spots to get me over the hump but I don't think there is currently. Right now I think that getting enough sleep (even if that means hurting Mr Mess' feelings and sleeping in another room), moderate exercise (preferably outdoors), and eating and drinking sensibly seems to work as well as anything. Having people around me that understand what I'm going through and realize that it isn't about them or directed at them helps too. That part is out of my control and the toughest part of all of this. That's when running away starts to look good. But for today, I'm still here.