Life Goes On, Even When It Doesn’t

Why is it that I seem to end up writing death posts? First it was our friend Diane back in 2007. Then it was my friend Traci last winter. Now I’m watching via Facebook my (2nd) cousin deal with the impending death of her husband of 6 months. Friends, family, and friends of friends have been praying, lighting candles, sending “healing vibes” and just generally holding them in our hearts for over a month now. During all of this Missy (she prefers to be called Mel or Melissa now but I grew up calling her Missy and old habits are hard to break!) has been so strong and shown great wisdom. Even though she is younger than me chronologically, I’ve always felt she is wiser and an “old soul.” Even though she and Derek have only been married 6 months when this all began they had the wisdom to sit down and have a difficult conversation about end of life plans. I’ve been married for 21 years and we have never had a serious conversation on this topic.

After all of these examples of lives taken too soon I guess I should take the hint and make some plans. The simple way to do it would be to just say, “hey, I’m gone now. You guys do whatever you want, I’m not in control now.” But if anyone does care to do what I’d like this is it.

First of all my body. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. In life I’ve had a real hard time asking for help, especially physical help. If I’m going to be in a long term vegetative state, unplug me. Please. Once I’m dead do the simplest and cheapest thing with my remains. If I have anything left that is of use to anyone, donate my parts to science/donor programs. If nothing else they can learn how a woman can live so long with so few brain cells and so many liver cells. I prefer cremation because boxing me up and paying for some real estate to hold my bones seems really ridiculous and wasteful of both money and land. If you want to make me really happy, mix my cremains with Shadow, Heidi and any other cremated pet I may have at that time and “plant” us under a special tree, preferably an oak.

My earthly belongings can be divvied up any way that results in the least amount of bickering. I do have some nice jewelry that I’d like my daughters to have. I’d like Emma to have my wedding band because it has rubies in it and they are her birthstone. Sarah can have my tennis bracelet. The rest of my rings and other baubles they can fight over, preferably a pool noodle duel to determine the winner. I’d like it if they would offer some pieces to my sisters, nieces or other special women in my life. I have very little else of monetary value but some things that have personal value to me but probably not to anyone else. I’ll leave that up to my family to parcel out or just get a big U-haul and a trip or two to Goodwill.

As far as a memorial service goes, please let there be music and laughter. Make inappropriate jokes at my expense. Stand by my remains and fart. Do slide shots. Embarrass my children, I won’t be around to do it anymore. Tell stories. I love stories. “Remember that time Beth did/said…..” If there is to be any kind of official service (if it will make people feel better or whatever) make it as ecumenical as possible. The memorial service is for those left behind so please don’t leave anyone out. I have friends from all faiths and beliefs. If I had my choice I’d love my service to be at the Albright Theater rather than a church. I’d want as many of my friends and family from all areas of my life to be there.  There would be music, the kind of music we have for pre-show and intermission at performances at the theater. Jen R. and JP always put together an interesting mix of songs that go along with the theme of the show. I’d trust them to come up with a fitting mix in my memory. Steve could also offer suggestions of songs that have history for me etc. I’d also like there to be pictures. Not necessarily of me but of my life and the people in it. Also maybe some of the photos I’ve taken over the years. My life through my eyes. Then I’d like everyone to take a seat and take turns telling stories. There really needs to be people OTHER than just my theater friends talking! Otherwise the rest of you will think I’m even crazier and more degenerate than I really truly am. Seriously, someone call some of my high school teachers to attest that I once was a fine, upstanding young lady! Most of all I want those who need comforting to feel comforted. Be there for my children.

Sunday our pastor referenced Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and talked about the chapter that says to begin with the end. To envision your funeral and what you want people to remember about you and say about you after you die. To live our lives with that end in mind. One thing I thought was I’d like for not just my closest friends and family to have good memories and thoughts but wouldn’t it be great if people that I have the most casual of relationships with were moved to come to my service and say a good word about me. People like a customer, my vet or someone who read my blog. That would be cool.

And lastly, if I can come back and haunt this world, I’m so there! I haven’t chosen a place yet. I think the theater already has a resident ghost but I may pop in from time to time to break a punch cup or let a phantom fart out backstage. I may also haunt my parents’ house because the upstairs there always scared the crap out of us kids and we thought it was haunted so why not fulfill a childhood fantasy? Then when I’m done messing with friends and family here I’m going to find a nice old Scottish castle or manor house and move my fat phantasm ass in. I’ve always dreamed of living in Scotland, never said it had to be while I was actually alive!