Step by Step

I just got back from my morning walk. This is a habit that I’m trying to get back. Before I had my store I used to walk many mornings a week with a group of girl friends and our dogs. It was fun and great exercise. I lost weight, felt strong and had a regular outlet to talk to other adults about my life, kids and husband. But when I had the store I just didn’t have the time in the mornings to continue with them. Then Shadow and Heidi died and I didn’t have the dogs to take. I tried taking Maizey but we walked at an off-leash forest preserve and Maizey would just run off and not come back so I spent all my time tracking her down and it wasn’t worth it.

Last week after school started and while I was having my back problems I decided that I needed to walk. Standing and walking were the only times my back didn’t feel like someone was jamming a tire iron between my vertebrae. The mornings were cool and I had the time because I was again getting up early to get Emma off to school. Instead of spending my time online reading Facebook and cruising Pinterest, I could be doing something good for me. Walks not only help me physically but mentally as well. The quiet morning gives me time to think and plan my day and sort out things that have been bothering me. I use it as a walking meditation. Walking also seems to help keep the depression at bay. The physical activity releases endorphins, being in the fresh air and sunshine reconnect me with nature and the meditative aspects give me the space in my head to clear my thoughts and put them in order.

One of the big things that has been weighing on me are the things I talked about in my previous blog post: Radio Silence. I was in a very dark place the night I wrote that piece. I couldn’t sleep even though I was exhausted. My body had collapsed but my mind wouldn’t shut off. I was feeling very shitty about myself and my place in the world and in relation to other people. It wasn’t about the other people at all. It was about how I felt about myself, how I thought other people perceived me, how I wanted people to perceive me and how I could improve myself and my relationships with others. This has been a difficult summer in many ways for me. I’ve been through a lot emotionally. Steve and I started counseling so that we could once again communicate and mend the weak spots in our marriage. Sarah graduated and left for college. Emma and I are forging a new relationship as mother and daughter without the shadow of her sister for the first time. I had an argument with a couple of dear friends and I’m still trying to figure out how to repair the damage. I’m getting there, it is just going to take some time and patience.

I’ve learned that life is like a walk. Sometimes the road is level, the weather is perfect and you can clearly see the way in front of you. Other times there is a hill you didn’t see coming and then you step in dog shit and it takes a mile or so of walking in the rain for the stink to wash off your shoe.